Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Cliche Bingo - The Cancer Remix

Cliche Bingo - The Cancer Remix

Disclaimer Disclaimer : If you are one of my readers that enjoys insults and inappropriate digs at people who mean well, then please skip the disclaimer as I wouldn't want to ruin your experience. 

Disclaimer: I love all my family and friends and I'm very much aware that when someone you love is diagnosed with a very scary life threatening illness, you don't know what to say. I'm also extremely grateful for all strangers who have reached out to me since the dawning of Voldertit. I really do appreciate all your support. So please don't leave me.... I know you all mean well and I'm of the school of 'say something rather than nothing'. So please read with a pinch of balls. 

Right. Arse wipes, mere mortals and cringe bags. A very wise woman once told me when she found out about my situation, to prepare myself for Cliche Bingo. 
It quickly became apparent to me what this meant. So I wanted to share it with you all. This is actually one blog entry that I haven't just written for me. 

A secret Facebook group kind of entitled 'edgy women with cancer meet here to be hilarious and say the word cunt a lot', tracked me down through the blog and thought I might want to join them based on my love of swearing / inability to string a sentence together, without swearing. 
Anyway this lot have been on this train for a lot longer than me and have heard the Cancer cliches over and over. They've banged their heads against many a brick wall, and visualised punching various people in the head, tits and clunge on numerous occasions, so I wanted to pay a kind of tribute to them. 
Therefore it's very sweary and abrupt but trust me when I tell you, these ladies have heard these phrases a lot!!!!!! I've heard them enough to be motivated to write about it so I feel these ladies must be doing their nuts by now.

Here's some fun, give yourself 10 points for each one you've said or heard in a crisis. 

FYI I've said 30 points worth and received 90 points worth and that doesn't include repetition. 

Right, go!

So, I've got cancer, what a crock of turd!
It's bloody shit-scary for such a fit young bird 
It's sad for all who know me and you don't know what to say, 
So don't just stand on ceremony; drop a fucking fat cliche!

"At least you don't need to shave" which is pretty fair - 
I may look bald to you but I've still got growler hair!!! 
And not to bloody mention it's still in my arm pits
If it's not bad enough that they're chopping off my tits

 "But you'll get a free boob job" which is cracking news
As I'm sick of these big swingers, scraping passed my shoes
But these have fed my children, are feminine and mine!
Would you like your perfect chest to resemble Frankenstein?

"You've got to stay positive" for whose sake? Mine of yours?
I'm well aware that all my tears can't meet with your applause.
"At least it's in your boobies, It's the best cancer to get". -
You what? It's bloody cancer! Not a razor by 'Gillette'!

"But you're too young". I know that. My life has far to go 
but I'll state the bleeding obvious, cancer knows no friend or foe. 
"But Age is on your side" - ok, I know I'm not a granny
But I'd rather just be cancer free with grey hairs on my fanny.

"It's only hair. It grows back." - my wig though bloody itches 
And how'd you feel representing Roald Dahl's friggin Witches?
"I can't tell you've got no eyebrows, you can't see they're drawn on"
But thanks for just reminding me you stupid-ass moron 

"You've got a 'good head', it's lovely" not just for radio
But 'good head' is synonymous with great fellatio 
I can't help but link the two. I know. I'm a disgrace
But when you say 'good head' I hear 'you've got a blow job face'!

"You're lucky your ears don't stick out, as I did suspect"
Yes I'm lucky to miss out on the Toby-Jug effect.
"And think of the hairstyles you can try while it grows back"
Andy of Little Britain or an unwaxed hairy crack?

"My mates neighbours brother had cancer and he's completely fine"
So I smile and nod whilst knowing it's way different from mine
'He ate cous cous, sniffed dog shit and bathed in tears of virgins
You don't need chemotherapy just offer prayers to gherkins'

 "You'll kick cancers ass!" This one has me in bits
As I visualise the attempt to kick myself straight in the tits.
"You look amazing". Mid-chemo.  Hang on, give it some thought,
Should you be told you're stunning when you look like Voldemort?

So dear readers, what can you say to someone who has cancer?
Honestly, I've no idea, I can't give you an answer 
It's just too fun to mock you but perhaps a little cruel
As its best to say something than to say nothing at all.

So here's one for my ladies who prefer to laugh than whinge
Wanky arse flaps, shit head, butt, penis breath and minge
Cunty mangled tit rag, smeggy willy hat
Eat shit you bastard Voldertit you fucking evil twat.


  1. Omfg Hidee, I nearly pissed myself laughing at this!!! Nicola H, booby-laughs

  2. Brilliant Smeggy Willy Hat lol!

  3. Keep going G-Dub!
    BJ Craps in the Fun Pit Mo-Fri! Will never forget that!!!!!!

  4. Hi Heidi, I've been reading your blog. I cannot believe how much I have laughed about tit cancer. (and I had it too) I'm not sure what secret facebook group you joined but if you are looking for more there is another one called Younger Breast Cancer Network (UK) for anyone diagnosed under with BC aged 45 and under. That's the public page. Send a Private message and ask to join the secret group attached to it and if you are based in Bristol I think there's a South West group too. One of the members shared your blog. I think we need you to join. x

  5. Ps you will lose the growler hair and discover it served a directional purpose. Who knew!

  6. And a poet too - so many talents!

  7. This made me chuckle! I wish I could print this out hand it out to my patients!

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