Thursday, 23 November 2017

Dead Wrong


My mum is awesome! 

She's called Ange. Well Andrea actually. She's also been known as Flange, The Crow and The Old Bag/Bat etc. 
She's a pretty remarkable women.
She brought my brother Jody (yes it’s a boys name too) and I up alone. We both turned out exceptionally well by the way....all credit to her.
My brother - Jody (with a ‘y’) Loughlin 
And me - Who said alcohol and chemo don’t mix?
Mum worked 3 jobs so she could get us stuff and feed us, we went from living in sheltered housing to our own home with a mortgage! She took us to really awesome places across the globe and ran her own business. She even jumped out of a plane last year from 15000ft at age 66!
She did all that. 
She's brilliant. 
Remarkable.
But WOW she can't do technology for shit!

Watching her type a text message out on her flip phone circa 2002 resembles a one eyed robber typing a code into a safe.

Now she has retired she has made the brave decision to catch up with us younguns and get an iPad!!!!! I thought she must have soiled her TenaLady when she made that brave decision. 
I took her to the Mall a few weeks ago and told the Apple hipsters to give her the most basic IPad with really good memory and none of that fancy shite. She left with her fashionable drawcord double lined white bag muttering about ‘what was a wrong with a normal carrier’ and then promptly tells me that I’ll need to teach her how to use it!
Ok I think, I can do that. I have zero patience, no free time whatsoever and am unable to filter sarcasm even in the most extreme of circumstances....this’ll be fantastic!!!!

So the next day she bowls into my house with a 50/50 mix of excitement and fear hanging around her jowls, sits down with the iPad and says “ok, what do I do next?” And I say “well you obviously need to switch it on first you pillock” but she doesn’t move and continues to stare at me then says  “ok” and stares again.
What is she looking at? I quickly glance over my shoulder...clear. I run my tongue over my teeth....clear. I waggle my finger in both nostrils...pretty clear.
And it slowly dawns on me she doesn't know how to turn it on. 
SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT ON!!!! 
Remain calm....breathe...you can do this....you’ve bossed life with incurable Cancer....don’t let the old bird give you a heart attack....breathe I tell myself. 
So I remain calm and show her.
Me - “Press here and enter a password.” 
Flange - “What’s the point in that?” 
Me - “don’t ask questions unless it’s extremely necessary and we may both survive this” (End scene)

Then flash forward and hour and she's still slamming the screen with her sausage fingers every time I shout "the home button! The button!!! The fucking home button! THE BUTTON! It's the only fucking button on there for fucks sake!!" And I realise that although the odds are that I'll die from Cancer....there's now a bloody good chance I may be claimed earlier via an aneurism from old lady technology induced stress!  

“Mum, I'm signing you up for a class at the Library for iPad wankers. It starts on Wednesday”
And off she goes. Bless her.

Anyway, what's this got to do with anything I hear you shout?

Well I tell thee...
Mum can now use google and she wanted to read my blog. Isn't that nice? (She'll have forgotten how to find it by the time this ones posted so don't worry) 
So she says one day whilst whipping out here iPad (that’s now incased in a picture of a Giraffe wearing pink accessories)....'look watch me. I do it like this. I press the compass thing (she means safari) and then the colours come up (she means the actual word ‘Google’) and I click the white line below it and I type what I want to search for.’
I'm actually rather impressed. Good ole Brian at the library... that geezer deserves a medal....and probably a month in The Priory. 

So she says ‘I'm searching for you’ and she types in 'Heidi Loughlin' and do you know what comes up my friends? The first search...as in the one people do most? Is this:

‘Heidi Loughlin Death’




Well bless my mum, she says "you're not dead" and I say "I know! The flipping cheek!" 

And I start wondering why people have searched this? 
I mean there could be a million answers. 
It could be that people are looking for pictures of my sarcastic corpse?
It could be that people have seen me on a live feed somewhere and think I speak so loudly because I’m overcompensating for hearing difficulties (and they, like me, can’t spell and/ or have bad grammar) 
Or maybe it could be that people have noticed I’ve not written much this year and have decided I’ve snuffed it? Now I mention it ..I did have a few inbox messages asking if I was dead, to which I replied "Yes. Yes I am. I'm so sorry to be the barer of bad news, I died 4 weeks ago. PS I'm in your wardrobe".

I wonder if people think that because I've got an incurable and aggressive strain of Cancer (inflammatory breast Cancer) that I must have died by now. 
I guess it’s a fair assumption.

But, I'm not dead!!!  I’m very much alive....look here’s the evidence....
Celebrating Tait’s 3rd birthday in style


Coming second to last with our quiz team at the school but drinking through it....

....and innocently climbing the kids wall on the way home.

Spending time with my favourite man on 4 legs.


Winning Inspirational Mother of the Year at the Butterfly awards.



Halloween dinner party....all very civilised....lots of red wine
Later that night after I’d spewed off my face paint
1 firework every 5 minutes....that’s old school.
Oh and if you want dated proof of life.... here it is....
FYI that train line is never happening 
Let me tell you what I did a few weeks ago....I canoed 22 miles for Stand up to Cancer. Yeah I did that AND I have treatment everything 3 weeks. I had the drugs two days after the canoe trip actually. 
Here are the pictures as proof that I canoed alive. AND I was still alive at the end.









A few days before I headed up north for the challenge I said to my mates that I was a little concerned that I wouldn't be able to do it because I hadn't trained and actually it was a really long way and all the others had trained or were really fit generally as they are celebrities and keep their shit together. 
My mate Emma (who seems to come up a lot in my blog posts and is a hard core spinning instructor) said 'that's bullshit. You'll be absolutely fine because that type of endurance is mental strength and you are the strongest person I know' and you know what, she was bloody right. 
I actually became stronger as the day progressed and finished with a tonne of adrenaline coursing through me. 
I know my little girl gave me an extra push and was egging me on from the start. And I know my boys, although back in Bristol, were also fuelling my determination. 
You see I gather strength from all things around me. The short life of my daughter Ally still gave me some very happy memories, the knowledge that my boys are safe and well and need me as there mum, my husband that would continue to send Noah to school in the wrong coat if I wasn't around, my friends that always say the right things, my brother whose sarcasm and stoicism rival my own and I’m a tough act to follow and my Mum, who keeps going regardless of the obstacles and will one day be able to type like a normal person. 

Heidi Loughlin Alive

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 


18 comments:

Annie said...

Awesome is too teeny a word. love you lots xxxxx

Stuart Price said...

I have first hand experience of Ange’s iPad issues!!

grannybiker said...

Glad to hear it too! Alive and kicking whatever part of the anatomy presents itself! xx

Louise T said...

You truely are amazing xx

Unknown said...

God bless you and the familyπŸ™πŸ½πŸ™πŸ½πŸ™πŸ½you are a courageous womanπŸ‘πŸ½πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ™πŸ½πŸ™πŸ½πŸ™πŸ½

Roy Griffith said...

About bloody time Loughlin!! It's lucky I've had my kindle to read in the meantime, or you may have gotten a strongly worded personal message from me!! πŸ€£πŸ˜‚

Love ya girlie. You keep me, and everyone else who follows you, thoroughly entertained.

You're an inspiration xx

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the goodness of a herbal man who has the root and half to cure all
kind of disease and the herbal email was there. So I decided to
contact the herbal man for my younger sister help to cure her breast
cancer. I contacted him and told him my problem he told me that I
should not worry that my sister cancer will be cure, he told me that
there is a medicine that he is going to give me that I will cook it
and give it to my sister to drink for one week, so I ask how can I
receive the cure that I am in UK, he told me
That I will pay for the delivery service. The courier service can
transport it to me so he told me the amount I will pay, so my dad paid
for the delivery fee. two days later I receive the cure from the
courier service so I used it as the herbal man instructed me to,
before the week complete my sister cancer was healed and it was like a
dream to me not knowing that it was physical I and my family were very
happy about the miracle of Doctor so my dad wanted to pay him 5
million us dollars the herbal man did not accept the offer from my dad,but I don't know why he did not accept the offer,he only said
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CONTACT DR PERFECT TODAY VIA EMAIL solutiontoallproblems1@gmail.com AND GET YOUR BROKEN MARRIAGE RESTORED BACK WITHIN 24 HOURS

Hello everyone am Lucas Martinez from USA, after 15 years of marriage, me and my wife were living happily together we loved each other so much and I Loved my family they were my top priority, until one morning me and my wife had a little argument which I know every couples do have because there are no perfect couples in this world after the argument I went to work when I came home I couldn't find my wife and our kids she also packed her bags and that of the kids and left I tried calling her but I couldn't reach her I went to her friend's house but they couldn't tell me where to find her, I was frustrated I didn't know what to do I started drinking alcohol every day and night I stopped going to work it was a difficult thing for me because she and my kids means everything to me it's was like part of my body left me I couldn't function well, one day I was browsing on the Internet when I saw a testimony of someone testifying of a man called Dr Perfect and how he brought back his wife within 24 hours I didn't think twice about it I messaged him and told him everything that happened between me and my wife and he said he find my problem very easy for him to solve he also told me to trust him that my wife will come back and I told him I trust him and he asked for some information which I gave him, 24 hours later my wife came back home with the kids I was so surprised to see her it was like a dream to me she started crying and apologizing to me I told her it's okay I forgive her that am happy she is back we are now living happily together. If you are heart broken because your wife or husband left you email this powerful love spell caster called Dr Perfect via email

solutiontoallproblems1@gmail.com

You can also message him on WhatsApp +(1)256-251-3614

Lucas Martinez said...

CONTACT DR PERFECT TODAY VIA EMAIL solutiontoallproblems1@gmail.com AND GET YOUR BROKEN MARRIAGE RESTORED BACK WITHIN 24 HOURS

Hello everyone am Lucas Martinez from USA, after 15 years of marriage, me and my wife were living happily together we loved each other so much and I Loved my family they were my top priority, until one morning me and my wife had a little argument which I know every couples do have because there are no perfect couples in this world after the argument I went to work when I came home I couldn't find my wife and our kids she also packed her bags and that of the kids and left I tried calling her but I couldn't reach her I went to her friend's house but they couldn't tell me where to find her, I was frustrated I didn't know what to do I started drinking alcohol every day and night I stopped going to work it was a difficult thing for me because she and my kids means everything to me it's was like part of my body left me I couldn't function well, one day I was browsing on the Internet when I saw a testimony of someone testifying of a man called Dr Perfect and how he brought back his wife within 24 hours I didn't think twice about it I messaged him and told him everything that happened between me and my wife and he said he find my problem very easy for him to solve he also told me to trust him that my wife will come back and I told him I trust him and he asked for some information which I gave him, 24 hours later my wife came back home with the kids I was so surprised to see her it was like a dream to me she started crying and apologizing to me I told her it's okay I forgive her that am happy she is back we are now living happily together. If you are heart broken because your wife or husband left you email this powerful love spell caster called Dr Perfect via email

solutiontoallproblems1@gmail.com

You can also message him on WhatsApp +(1)256-251-3614








CONTACT DR PERFECT TODAY VIA EMAIL solutiontoallproblems1@gmail.com AND GET YOUR BROKEN MARRIAGE RESTORED BACK WITHIN 24 HOURS

Hello everyone am Lucas Martinez from USA, after 15 years of marriage, me and my wife were living happily together we loved each other so much and I Loved my family they were my top priority, until one morning me and my wife had a little argument which I know every couples do have because there are no perfect couples in this world after the argument I went to work when I came home I couldn't find my wife and our kids she also packed her bags and that of the kids and left I tried calling her but I couldn't reach her I went to her friend's house but they couldn't tell me where to find her, I was frustrated I didn't know what to do I started drinking alcohol every day and night I stopped going to work it was a difficult thing for me because she and my kids means everything to me it's was like part of my body left me I couldn't function well, one day I was browsing on the Internet when I saw a testimony of someone testifying of a man called Dr Perfect and how he brought back his wife within 24 hours I didn't think twice about it I messaged him and told him everything that happened between me and my wife and he said he find my problem very easy for him to solve he also told me to trust him that my wife will come back and I told him I trust him and he asked for some information which I gave him, 24 hours later my wife came back home with the kids I was so surprised to see her it was like a dream to me she started crying and apologizing to me I told her it's okay I forgive her that am happy she is back we are now living happily together. If you are heart broken because your wife or husband left you email this powerful love spell caster called Dr Perfect via email

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his website http://MAGNIFICENTSPELLCAST.WEBSITE2.ME
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LINDA ROBERT said...

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My name is LINDA ROBERT from United State, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real and effective online spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr PETER He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me, When i contacted Dr PETER he cast a love spell for me, and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me to come back. he is back now with so much love and care. today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers to restore broken relationship back. because i am now happy with my husband. To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help, Dr PETER can also offer any type of help like, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot's more. You can contact him Via his email mail
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THEODORE SARAH said...

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My name is THEODORE SARAH am from united state, I almost took my life because of my husband who left me and stop picking my calls. He said He do not Love me again, I tried to beg him, but he will not answer me until we had a fight and broke up for 6months, after then I realize I can not leave without him. I tried everything possible to get him back. until I came across this man called Dr Peter online i contacted him and he helped me cast a love spell and behold my husband came back within 48 hours.begging me for forgiveness, I was so surprised that spell caster like Dr Peter still exist. If anyone here needs some help, with all sincerity, contact Dr Peter today On Magnificentspellcast@gmail.com or Magnificentspellcast@yahoo.com CALL/whatsapp +1(321)754-0649 indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again.i can never stop talking about you sir. his website http://MAGNIFICENTSPELLCAST.WEBSIT2.ME and blog http://magnificentspellcast11.blogspot.com DR PETER is really a great man you can contact him for solution for any kind of problems like
(1) lottery spell
(2) ex back
(3) get pregnant
(4) cure for any kind of sickness,disease and infection
And many others contact this great man today and get your
Problems solved 100%