Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Hurricane



Today hurricane Imogen is whacking us around the head at full force. The fence has blown down and the chimney is howling like the wizards sleeve of a hooker. An act of nature sent to remind us just how puny and insignificant we are.
I've had 3 rounds of the new chemo, the most recent having been on Thursday and I'm sitting here with a mouth like Ghandi's flip flop and my guts turning over in preparation for 'poo-nado' number 170. 
Noah is at his Nan's, Tait is asleep upstairs and we have just chosen the headstone  that will sit on top of our daughters grave. 
Our daughters grave. There's something I never thought I'd say. 

When I started this blog in October it was to merely update friends on my progress. 
It was later shared on disgracebook and as a result awareness has risen around Inflammatory Breast Cancer, I've got more twitter followers then Scouse and my family have learnt lots of alternatives for the word clunge. 
Raising awareness is now part of my goal and continues to be a little extra nugget that motivates me to be positive even when I'm drowning. 

I did some more news type stuff last week as I realised you guys hadn't seen my new hairstyle which resembles a badgers testicle; and the question on everyone's lips was do I regret anything?

It's a tricky question you see because all of these shit-uations are interlinked.

Is it regretful that Dr Bellend didn't diagnose me at my first appointment in March because then the cancer was at its infancy and much more likely to be curable? 
If he had diagnosed me early then Ally never would have been born. So this I can't regret. I got to meet her.

It is regretful that as well as having Voldertit I also am HER2 receptive which means the cancer is fuelled and I need the drug Herceptin which cannot be had in pregnancy. So I had to risk my life to have Ally as I wanted to keep her.

It is regretful that the baby friendly chemo didn't work and that in order for me to give all three of my children a mum I had to have Ally at 28 weeks where her prognosis was over 90%. 

It is regretful that she was not in the over 90%. 

It is regretful that she died. But it is also so much more than that. Regretful is a fucking stupid word.  

And with regret comes guilt.

I feel guilty everyday that I didn't decline the medical advice and just stay pregnant. 
I feel guilty for thinking that as I also need to be here for the boys. 
I feel guilty for going home the night Ally got ill. 
I feel guilty for having just lost a child and then laughing at big brother when Stephanie left her crusty pants out for all to see. And I feel guilty that Ally died. 

Regret and guilt. These are two things that seem to go hand in hand. 
I could have done more? Could I? 

I'm currently experiencing a very low level of fame at the moment. I'd liken it to the equivalent of that bird on Facebook recently who was photographed drunk posing with her very sexy boyfriend and appeared to be shitting a cat....people know who you are but for all the wrong reasons.  I'm sometimes recognised when I go out but I'm well aware it's because I'm that bald, unlucky woman off the telly.
One lady came up to me in boots a few weeks ago while I was buying vitamins (ironic) and said 'I just wanted you to know that you made the right decision'. 
Now this woman will never know this, as at the time I couldn't quite explain my gratitude to her, but by having a complete stranger tell me this really helped me. I question my choices constantly and to have someone uninvolved reaffirm my decision, was so extremely kind. 

The title of this blog has never meant more to me then it does right at this second. 
A tit cup, even with baps like mine, is a relatively small place to hold a storm. My tit cup houses Voldertit!!!
 Voldertit is so much more than cancer. It is the threat of saying goodbye, the anxiety that comes when living your life with your mortality dangling in front of you and it is fundamentally responsible for the death of my daughter. So a storm? More like a bitch ass hurricane!!!

A mighty mother fucking hurricane. 

The skies are dark, the noise is deafening, the shit from our lives is blown all over the garden. The rain is battering the window's but I do feel slightly cosy on the sofa looking out. A few weeks ago I'd have been sat right there in the mud, with the rain soaking my trousers but right now I'm grateful for the warmth. 

As the storm rages on and the isobars push across the UK, they seem to move in one direction, forwards. 



11 comments:

  1. Wow so hard to post a comment and hopefully say the right things. The hell you are going through is just shit but personally I find it hard to go back and regret decisions you have made because there were your decision considering everything you had a that time. We don't get any benefit from reviewing I don't think at a later stage. Taking each day as it comes can be the only way. You are a truly inspiring person who is changing lives every day despite the difficulties you face. Well done for finding the time to write your blogs, they are a difficult read but really helpful. X

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  2. I believe, and I may be wrong, but all we can do is make our decisions based on the premise we did what we thought was right ( or right-est) at the time. In a frankly impossible situation, to be hit with decision after decision after decision is not fucking fair, or right. But if you can say hand on heart 'I did my best' with the knowledge what you did was out of pure love for those around you, then there need be no regret. Sure, we all think 'what if I'd...' But you have simply done more than most of us would ever be able to, and for that you need no self-depreciation. I wish you all the strength, and love in the world and that this storm dies away, and you all contend with a less violent breeze soon. X

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  4. Regret is pointless. And guilt comes hand in hand with being a mother. We are never going to get it right every time and with that... comes guilt (and by getting it right, I mean choosing whether to cut the morning toast into squares or triangles - even that is an impossible decision in my house some mornings...never mind life or death decisions you have had to make).

    I think the decision you had to make was an impossible one. But I would have made the same decision.

    Life has shat on you and your family fucking hard this past year and the fact you can still be witty and still give hope to others is amazing. It's easy to say it and impossible to do - but stop feeling guilty and stop regretting.

    We cant change the past but you can impact the future...and you are doing.

    Life is a mountain and you are climbing your peak right now...the worst part. Here's hoping very soon, you will reach the summit...take in the view and have a leisurely stroll back down. You certainly deserve it.

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  6. I can't imagine how you must be feeling but for what it's worth? you made the right decision. You made a choice which predicted the best out come for all 3 of your children. Any mother would of done the same, stay strong through this utter shit journey and know that ally would be proud of you. Xxx

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  7. Aw, Heidi. Try not to regret. It can't change anything. You can only play the hand you're dealt. x

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  8. Regret is like hindsight. Perfectly fucking pointless. If we all had hindsight regret wouldn't exist. If regret didn't exist then nor would risk, excitement, anticipation the list goes on. This is all metaphorical. Here and now. That is reality, what happened yesterday cannot be undone, what happens tomorrow cannot be foretold. Ultimately we would all rather live a life of regretting things we have done, than a life made up of of 'what if's' and 'if only's'. xxx

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  9. I would've made all the same decisions as you. And I would feel all the same guilt and all the same regret. I have no idea what you're going through, but I agree with the kind lady you met - you made the right decision.

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  10. I would've made all the same decisions as you. And I would feel all the same guilt and all the same regret. I have no idea what you're going through, but I agree with the kind lady you met - you made the right decision.

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  11. Regret is pointless. And guilt comes hand in hand with being a mother. We are never going to get it right every time and with that... comes guilt (and by getting it right, I mean choosing whether to cut the morning toast into squares or triangles - even that is an impossible decision in my house some mornings...never mind life or death decisions you have had to make).

    I think the decision you had to make was an impossible one. But I would have made the same decision. Forex Enigma Review

    Life has shat on you and your family fucking hard this past year and the fact you can still be witty and still give hope to others is amazing. It's easy to say it and impossible to do - but stop feeling guilty and stop regretting.

    We cant change the past but you can impact the future...and you are doing.

    Life is a mountain and you are climbing your peak right now...the worst part. Here's hoping very soon, you will reach the summit...take in the view and have a leisurely stroll back down. You certainly deserve it.Survive in bed review

    ReplyDelete