Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Time after time

New Year's Eve. What does it mean to you? A chance to plan to melt off your fat by drinking wheat grass mixed with ass? An opportunity to do kind deeds until you realise you don't like anyone? Or the year to make your dreams come true? Well for me New Year's Eve has always just been the passing of time. The sliding of one hand over the other, something that happens numerous times a day, every day. The strike of a clock. 

Facebook was, as per usual, flooded with updates on 2015 being the best year ever or the biggest pile of shit possible. Good riddance vs good to have met you.  

How do I sum up 2015? Well it would read like a heart monitor. 
July - fucking awesome. We moved back to Bristol
August - the stratosphere of immenseness and shock. Baby number 3 is on the way!!!
September - shock and fear - I have an extremely aggressive and rare cancer
September - relief. I can keep my baby as long as I'm aware of the risks to my health. 
October - sheer excitement. Baby is growing well and is a girl!!!
November - fear again. Baby must come now or there's an extremely high chance none of you children will have a mother
December - elation. Ally's is here and she's fine!! She's doing so well. My little beacon of light is here.
December - utter utter heart break and devastation. Ally has died.

If I'd written a Facebook post about 2015 it would have gone something like this "fuck you 2015. You were the worst year of my life. You brought me cancer, gave me a death sentence and you took my daughter. I fucking hate you. You absolute cunt. Cunt cunt cunt CUNT!!!!!!!! 

Then the clock struck 12 and what happened? I felt exactly same. 
As I sit here having these drugs pumped into my arm I feel exactly the same. These are the drugs Ally was born early in order for me to have. Every Time I hear the word Herceptin I want to scream. I should still be pregnant and counting the weeks down until March. Feeling her acrobatics in my tummy. Or I should be going from chemo to cuddles with Ally. She had over 90 % chance of survival at 28 weeks. If I'd waited another 3 weeks for treatment my cancer had a really good chance of spreading. In which case I would no longer have a cure just a preventative care package. I'd then be facing saying goodbye to my three children. 
I honestly believed in my heart of hearts that she would be fine. I thought there's no way someone can have so much shit happen to them in one go. She was born healthy and doing so incredibly well. 

Everyday I went back and fourth from NICU to see my baby I passed a wall that contained loads of pictures of premature babies and how they are doing now. All I kept thinking was I cant wait to put Ally's photo up there. 

Then I went home for the first night and Ally became unwell. One day I'll tell you more but right now I can't. 

A few days after Ally left us a CT scan revealed I have nodules on my lungs too. We will know more about what these are around March time but it's not what we needed to hear. 

All anyone can say about this situation is how incredibly cruel it is and I really have to agree but there's one thing that I'm sure people find hard to digest in some ways which is that I don't regret keeping her. I got to meet her. She was a little person with a personality and the memories we have of her live on and on. 
If you believe in God, then you'll also be thinking that I will see her again. This is something I have come to believe. Is it a desperate mother clutching on to any ounce of hope she can or has the loss of Ally made me confront my beliefs head on? I didn't know I had any beliefs until now but I do know that when I was told Ally would die I smashed my hands together and prayed like a warrior. 

I'm sorry that this isn't upbeat and funny but I can say that I think I'm getting a grip of myself and that all of me is not lost. 
As you know I love an analogy, so here's another for you. 
I can almost see myself swimming in the wake of a ship wreck. The rescue boat is up ahead and I'm making my way towards it. As I drag myself through the icy dark waters I see some of my possessions scattered around me, I grab onto as much of it as I can carry under one arm while I paddle with the other. I feel exhausted and feel that I'm fighting an impossible battle as wave after wave forces me back. Sometimes it occurs to me that if I just gave in and slipped below the water then this would all be over and I could rest. Then Ally's pink hat floats by and I grab that piece of fabric like its a fucking life raft. I look to the rescue boat and I see Taits little hand waving at me and Noah shouting "come on mummy, you can do it". 
Then there's the Scouse one who projects absolute calm but the trained eye can see the lump in his throat as he shouts "keep going".
I look even closer and I can see the boat is rammed full of people all shouting my name. My friends, my family members, the Drs, people from my town and complete strangers and there, right at the front in the most beautiful white dress, is Ally. 

"Come on mummy. We love you. Don't give up."

Sometimes I really want to but I just focus on the boat and I swim. 

65 comments:

  1. Beautifully written. Love the analogy. Now get that dirty pirate out and let's get sailing x

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    1. Truly insperational.
      Cancer has touched my family so i feel your pain.
      Your a fighter and this is visable in your strength in sharing and your person.
      Keep fighting keep living for every day keep being you.

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  2. I can't find the words to express how inspiring your blog is. You don't know me, but trust me, I am in that rescue boat shouting out for you to make it.
    Keep swimming Heidi - you can make it!

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  3. Keep swimming. Though every stroke is a struggle keep swimming. Those boys need you. This world needs people like you to stay. Keep swimming.

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  4. You don't know me either, but I'm in tears reading your story. Forget funny, people read your blog because you've touched people's lives and hearts. I hope we can give you some strength in return. You're doing everything you can for those children, including your little girl. Whenever I go to church I light a candle for you all, I hope if there is someone up there they swing you a lucky break x

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  5. You are bloody amazing. Never give up fighting. You can rest when you've beaten it xxxx

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  6. I think about you often and I'm in the rescue boat too. You've had the worst possible six months and I hope the heart monitor just goes up from hereon in. Sending loads of love to you and your family.

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  7. Never apologies for a lack of humour in your words. That is not what we read them for. We read them because we r rooting for u, willing u to win the fight and reach the boat. I am one of the strangers standing on the deck waving a flask of tea. X

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  8. Shouting your name, you warrior.

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  9. Genuinely have no words Heidi. My little brush with breast cancer (single mastectomy, 3 x FEC, 3 x T) doesn't even come close. But I am a mother and there were days when the only reason I carried on was because of my (then) 10 year old son. I think of you often and I am keeping you in my thoughts. Much love xx

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  10. Keep swimming xxx we all know you can do it.

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  12. When I read this is becomes clear to me that your life is full of love. Love for your family, friends (and anyone else rooting for you) and their love for you. Hold on to that. You are strong beyond words can describe and I believe in you.

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  13. It really is so hard to think that one soul can be put through so much. Next week while I'm experiencing the drip drip of chemo I will think of you. You wonderful warrior xxx

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  14. Beautifully written Heidi as always. I lost my daughter lily in very similar circumstances to ally and although that pain grips your heart every day, it eases a little as the clouds clear and you can see the other lights of your life! Time doesn't heal but the pain lessens over time. Your strength is amazing , inspiring and in your words' you are fucking awesome' !! Keep strong xxx

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  15. This is lovely you are really good with words, Praying for you xxx

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  17. Its been about four years since I last cried. I just dont do crying. But your analogy has just made me sob. Its so much hope, sadness, love, grief, strength, everything all written so beautiful. God bless you and your family. From one mum to another xxx

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  18. Keep swimming Heidi. I am another one in that boat willing you on xx

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  19. Ive been reading your blog since the beginning Heidi. I never know what to say, so i just dont. But, today, i have to. Please please keep swimming. I know you will but when it gets hard you have sooo many arm bands/buoyancy rings/those Styrofoam noodle things. Use them and abuse them. Hope floats. Xxx

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  20. Gosh that made me well up big time. I'm in awe of your strength, I think of you and your family often and regularly check to see if you have written as I just want to see how you are. I really do find you quite astounding. Keep swimming Heidi xxx

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  21. Keep swimming Heidi. Your words, the way you write and how strong you are is f&cking amazing Jo Garwood xxx

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  22. Heidi, I don't know you but you have touched my heart. What an inspiring and amazing lady you are.
    I am in the boat screaming and shouting your name. Keep going, you can fight this xx

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  23. The use of fat on the torch may have suggested the rush-light, which consisted simply of a rush-stem, or some tow, floating in a vessel of oil or liquid fat. The Indian chiragh is on just the same principle. Both the torch and the rush-light were very imperfect, the one giving off thick clouds of smoke, and the other producing only a very dim light.

    Let There Be light

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  24. Continue your brave fight for yourself and your family. You baby be in the centre of your heart wherever you are. Love to you and your family. Jan Vaughan xx

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  25. Continue your brave fight for yourself and your family. You baby be in the centre of your heart wherever you are. Love to you and your family. Jan Vaughan xx

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  26. I'm throwing you a rope, catch hold and we'll pull you into the boat, never let go, you will see Ally again, but not yet, she is telling you this. Where there is hope, there is life, you are an inspiration to many. Love Jan from Kenn xx

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  27. Beautiful written analogy. Heidi you are one brave lady and inspiration to all of us. I have recently become a mother and its until then you realised that nothing else matter other than your children and family. so keep swimming and holding on those beautiful things you see in your way. Love to you all and your family.

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  28. Heidi. kind words are easily written but I am utterly heartbroken for you and beautiful Ally. Watching the news and listening to your progress on here I hoped for the best. I'm a stranger, behind a screen but I feel I am part of your journey. I cannot imagine the pain you have to go through, but I am sure you will find the courage to bounce back knowing so many people are right behind you. You are a young, beautiful, strong mum, wife, daughter and friend, like so many of us and this shitty cancer does not define you! I so wish I could give you a hug and support you. High five sister, you can do it, I know you can! much love xx

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  29. Hello every one,i am sharon maric from texas i want to share to the general public on how i was cured of cancer by one Dr wadada from Africa. I have been living with cancer since 2008 until i found a post on how this same herbal man cured mrs gomez from mexico. As i saw the post i decided to give the same man a trier. Lo and behold the man gave me his word that after taking the medication for 3months as he directed that i should go for medical check up.i did exactly what he said to my gratest surprise after the test i was cancer free. if you have same problem you can contact him via his email; WADADAHERBALHOME@GMAIL.COM.he is a man that keeps to his words

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    1. You are a selfish silly women! NO herbal or alternative medicine will EVER cure cancer! Please remove your unhelpful comment...

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    2. You are the selfish silly woman and not the lady above,who is only trying to be helpful.There are many many many cures for Cance but because the masses (like yourself) are so brainwashed into believing that chemotherapy,radiation and Surgery are the only way to go all other treatments are dismissed as irrrevant whereas in fact these are the real cures.It is gullible,naive,ill informed people like you that allow the Cancer Industry to brainwash everyone into believing that they really have our best interests at heart and are actively seeking a cure for this terrible disease.Most people who get cancer do not actually die of cancer but die from the effMects of chemotherapy. In your heart of hearts if you get cancer tomorrow and your doctor advises you to have chemotherapy which has a 3 out of 100 chance of curing you will you take that treatment?

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  30. My sister was recently told she had a guardian angel - it was the twin who was meant to be born alongside her, keeping watch over her, making sure she is okay. Ally is your guardian angel, she may have been born for that exact purpose, to watch over her mummy. I believe with all of my heart that you will be reunited one day, but for now have faith that she is doing as intended and cuddling you from the other side.
    You break my heart and inspire me in equal measure.
    xxxxxxxx

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  31. Heidi - keep fighting, keep swimming. The rescue boat is a cruise liner there's that many people on it rooting for you x

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  32. Oh my days, I wish you well x how heart breaking and inspiring at the same time. Love Jane xxx

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  33. Oh my days, I wish you well x how heart breaking and inspiring at the same time. Love Jane xxx

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  34. I'm truly sorry you are going through this. My husband has lung cancer and now they've found cells in his brain. He's still having treatment. Keep going girl xx

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  35. Never stop. Never stop fighting until the fighting is done. The scouse one, Noah and Tate, are lucky to have you and you them. Powerful writing Heidi xxx

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  36. Never stop. Never stop fighting until the fighting is done. The scouse one, Noah and Tate, are lucky to have you and you them. Powerful writing Heidi xxx

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  37. Heidi,

    I was part of the Babycentre group you were in. I just wanted to say that we are all thinking of you and hoping you win your fight.

    I have to say, you are the most inspiring woman I have ever come across! What you did for your beautiful Ally was unbelievably brave and for that you should be so proud.

    Ally sadly lost her fight but you keep fighting yours. Your boys need their mummy so please don't give up now.I wish you the very best of luck and I will keep following your blog.

    Much love to you and your beautiful family.
    Xxx

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  38. I have followed your story since hearing you on five live. You are the bravest lady and I think about you and your beautiful Ally so much. Keep fighting and swimming - and all my prayers and hopes that 2016 isn't such a cunt of a year for you xxx

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  39. Hi Heidi,

    Fuck having to be upbeat and funny. This is not funny for you and it's very real what you're going through. This is not about entertaining others - you are human and you have to deal with this big big burden on your shoulders - it is the biggest test of your life and yes it is cruel, but keep looking and swimming towards that boat - never give up even when you are feeling low - so many people are routing for you. Your little boys are waiting for the day when mummy has more energy and you can all play together as you used to. As for Ally - she is in God's safe hands and watching over all of her family and routing for you until the day you meet again. I'm so moved by your posts but also by the tremendous response you are receiving. As bitter as this all is, there is also so much humanity happening here where everyone is united in their hopes and prayers for you. Get well for your boys (including the grown up one) - you are much loved and needed in this world.

    Angel xx

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  40. You are strong and wonderful and fighting the worst cunt of a year. Keep swimming. So many kind thoughts.

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  41. Read your story in the Mail and came to your blog to say you're pretty amazing and stay strong for those beautiful sons of yours -and that I think you will hold Ally again. I'm so sorry for what's happened and I wish you comfort, hope and, well, the ability to keep going despite the terrible blows you've had. Choose Life.

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  42. Just keep fucking swimming Heidi, don't ever stop. That boat, keep going until you're safely on board. Xxx

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  43. Please don't give up, so many of us want a happy ending. We want you to be there for your children and their children. They need a mum aswell as an awesome dad.

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  44. Sending you lots of love from one mother to another
    Sarah xxxx

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  45. You are The Bravest. I often think that Mothers rule, and that we deserve medals - no, presents - every day. Because being a Mum means having the capacity to love more than anyone... Loving our Children so much that you could curl up and not actually be able to move for the power of love. Your boys are going to grow up to be such strong, loving men. And your girl... she knows that your love for her, for your boys - your family, was all she ever needed.

    I am going to spread you around to my family and friends, so that we - complete strangers - can think of you, your man, and your three beautiful children - and build upon your support and strength and hope.

    Jemima - fellow Brilliant person, Mother and Bristol dweller.

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  46. I've just read some of your blog for the first time and I'm crying for you and sending you so many wishes from deep In my heart that you get well, so many condolences for your beautiful daughter Ally. You write fucking beautifully. You are an amazing light. An inspiration. Be brave and keep fighting. Love Tricia xxxx

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  47. Keep going brave girl...your little ones will be proud after your hardest swim...the world need you. Your admirer....BBC news 26th Jan

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  48. Just seen you on the news, you are one brave girl, you did the right thing, every choice you made I would have made, you have every right to be angry at the world, don't drown in life's pool of misery. Hold your head up and breathe for your loved ones and more importantly for yourself. God bless little Ally x

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  49. You have the fighting spirit and the motivation to survive now you just need the knowledge.The success rate of chemo and mainstream treatment for cancer are between 3 and 5%.which I'm sure you'll agree is a joke.Compare this to the Budwig diet for example which had a success rate of 80% on advanced cancer patients.Or what about simple Apricot seeds that have cured thousands.A New Yorker named Jason Vale cured his Cancer with apricot seeds so he started selling them from his website and cured hundreds until he was arrested and thrown in jail for 5 years for daring to say he had found a cure for cancer.He got 5 years for his trouble The fact remains that apricot seeds have cured many of cancer.The cancer industry makes a great deal of money from their chemotherapy and radiation treatment and have absolutely no wish to have the "Status Quo" disrupted by alternative treatments which they label as "Quackery".The cancer and the pharmaceutical industry are the most corrupt industry in the world and have no interest in finding a cure for cancer which would deny them Billions of Pounds each year.Cannibis and Hemp oil has cured thousands over the years but has been condemned by the Cancer Industry as dangerous for our health. Heidi,can you please Google Ty Bollinger and watch "The Truth About Cancer" It is a fantastic series of 9 videos where you get all the information you need to cure your cancer even if it is at a very advanced stage.

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  50. My heart is aching for your loss.

    It is indeed a cruel world, but made worth living through by sweet adorable children, and the love and caring of family and friends. Keep fighting, for your children, and know that the entire world is rooting for you.

    Sending you lots of love and even more positive thoughts.

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  51. I decree into your life in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth that you shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord .Psalms 118:17 KJV
    Please, when you are made whole by the Lord tell it to the world that Jesus has done it.

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  52. Just saw your story on bbc news and my heart hurts so much. I'm going through Breast cancer treatment as well, my her eaton was stopped because my heart is not tolerating it, I need a double mastectomy and have no children, my only dream was taken away by cancer but you are a strong inspiring woman with the heart of a warrior, Ally is your little angel taking care of you and your boys from above. Keep fighting, keep smiling, I know how hard it is but you got good reasons to keep it up. Lots of love and my best wishes.

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    1. Thinking of you too Maria, I had chemo nearly 10 years ago and was told I wouldn't have children, my son is 7 now....lots of love..xx

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  53. In tears Heidi reading this .. I heard about you on the news last night - I shouted how could life be so cruel.. I have thought about you and Ally all day. I'm a stranger but I'm on that boat willing you and your beautiful family to safety .. Love karen

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  54. Having been through chemo I know how bloody tough it is, your some unbelievable woman...xxxxx

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  55. Heidi, I haven't commented on your blog up until now. I feel the rawness of your truly terrible experiences seeping through and your obvious creative mind in your analogies. Your words are real, and I'm certain you have helped many others struggling through difficulties feel less alone. I hope the positive thoughts of others and myself can allow you a little comfort. Keep swimming, you're clearly so resilient and have masses of strength amidst everything you have endured. I along with everyone reading this blog is hoping that your cunt of a year will now be where it belongs in the past tense. Keep that light at the end of the tunnel in your sights. Very best wishes.

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  56. Hello Heidi. I agree with the comments above that you are a loving Mum & did only your best to give your beautiful Ally the best chance you could & she was born healthy. I hope you don't mind me writing in your blog, but I wanted to say that, like you, I was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer & that was in 2008 & my GP didn't know what it was so referred me. Although I'd never heard of I was sure it was some form of cancer. I was treated with the most awful chemo as I'm sure you're finding out & was given a 34% chance because it was in my blood & lymphatics. Here we are almost 8 years later & whilst I have a lot of problems, I'm here & that's all that matters to me. So keep on fighting lovely Heidi. Yes you'll feel like shit, but take it one day at a time & have lots of cuddle time as I'm sure you do. It might seem a bit selfish, but I was glad it happened to me because I didn't know how I'd have dealt with it if it was one of my family & I think that's what got me through it all. That & the tremendous love of my family. So take heart & I send you & your family my love. If you want a chat at any time with someone who had IBC, I'll send you my phone number privately. I don't mind if you just want to swear, shout, scream cry, I honestly will listen & this really is genuine & I do mean it. Lynne xx

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  58. I don't know you, and you do not know me. But shit I am in tears. What an amazing woman, and what extraordinary courage to keep fighting in the face of such loss. I don't know what I believe either - but right now I am praying that your boys (all three of them) get to keep you, and that you win.

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