The Guffalo

For my boys Noah and Tait for when they are older. And for Scouse.....don't you just love reading the same story over and over again until, in your warped adult mind, it can become something quite different......

Oh and if you would please come back at the end if you enjoyed it and vote for me to win best writer at the MAD Blog awards I'd be so greatful xx Vote here

The Guffalo

                                      A girl took a stroll through Chemo Wood

                                  Before all this bullshit she looked rather good

                                                                   She said to her hair

                                  "That's terribly kind of you Hair but.... oh

                                              "A Guaffalo, what's a Guaffalo?"

                                             "A Guffalo why didn't you know?"

                                                  "Where are you sitting now?"

         "Here by these drugs with my favourite cocktail from the Pharmacy thugs" 

                                                "Pharmacy thugs? I'm off" Hair said.

                                               "Goodbye Guffalo" and away Hair sped.

                                                   "Silly old Hair, doesn't he know?

                                   There's much tougher things when you have chemo"

                                       On went the Guffalo through the deep dark wood

                                    Some Tits saw the Guffalo, and she didn't  look good

                                       "What are you doing here you fat stinking hog?

                                         I heard you've got ass-wee? Go sit on the bog!"

                                           "A Guffalo, what's a Guffalo?"

                                         "A Guffalo why didn't you know?"

                                                   Her thrush is a killer,

                                                   her skin just a fright 

                               and the steroids keep her up all bloody night

                                                

                                                    "Why are you sitting here?"

           "The drugs are my boss and the 5th of July sees my tits get ripped off!" 

                                             "Tits get ripped off? It's time I hid!

                                             Goodbye Guffalo and away Tits slid"

    "Silly old Tits, don't they know? There's much tougher things then ops and chemo"

                                On went the Guffalo through the deep dark wood

                                A bum-hole saw the Guffalo, she didn't look good 

                                    "That's precisely it bumhole, I can't trust my hole 

                                       and this dam constipations like birthing a foal"

                                               "Birthing a foal? Not part of my plan!

                                               Goodbye Guffalo" and off bumhole ran

"Silly old bumhole, doesn't he know, there's much tougher things then bum probs and chemoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                    But who is this creature with the worlds biggest pile 

                                           and less teeth then a panel on Jeremy Kyle?                         

Her face is so puffy, her eyebrows did drop and her mouth is much dryer then            Ghandi's flip flop

Her farts are so powerful you don't whaft, you whack it and if you look closely she's spewed down her jacket...."

                                             Oh help! Oh no! It's a Guffalo!!!!!

  

                                         "Rank said the Guffalo. I'm just rank

                                  I've shit myself so much there's nowt in the tank.

                                        Just walk behind me and soon you'll see

                                                      Everyone is afraid of me.

                                       And now my bowels are starting to rumble 

                                    I shouldnt have eaten that dam apple crumble"

                                          No hair, no tits, her skin just a fright

                               And the roids made her figure a lads mag delight

                                    And she did all this bullshit with no moan or fuss

                                    Because you know what? She is dam fabulous 

   All was quiet in the deep dark wood

Guffalo farted.........and the fart was good. 

Roller coaster of love.

It's 6am and I'm wide awake and the kids are fast asleep. I've nothing but the curry farts from last night to keep me company as I sit here on a 'milestone day' thinking about what the hell has happened to me in the last 9 months. 

On Friday 11th September, a day we all remember the horrible atrocities that unfolded in New York in 2001, I got the news that I was carrying around a disease that could well kill me as quickly as a years time and my best shot at treatment was to terminate my unborn baby. 

I then went on to forgo the treatment so I could give my baby the best shot I could. 

Why did I do this? 

Because I loved that baby as much as my two boys. I couldn't separate the feelings I had for the boys  from the feelings I had for Chocolate Mousse  ( you'll maybe remember this is the nick name Noah gave my bump ) so I couldn't do it. I then entered my 'Roller-coaster life'. So within the time that followed....

I had a type of chemo safe for baby -up

the news we were expecting a girl -up

a realisation that chemo wasn't working - down 

an incredible prognosis of 95% for Chocolate Mousse at 28 weeks - up

a prognosis of death for me if I went on any longer - down

a decision to have baby at 28+1 with an assumption that with the balance of nature she would definitely be fine - half way up

the fear on the day she was born if I was doing the right thing - down

the elation that it was the right choice when she was born so strong and the immense love we have for her just pouring all over everything - up really high

the phone call we received to say she was not well - crashing down

the fear of what would happen to her - so down 

the news she would not recover - through the floor

the knowledge I had done the wrong thing - hell

the pain of watching her passing - beyond labels

the saying goodbye -  

the feeling I wanted to die and the guilt for feeling that way when I had my boys who needed me - down 

the absolute open-mouthed ''''''why????''''' that I asked myself every second - round the bend

the soul searching - flat

the being dragged out of bed to start the treatment Ally had been born early for me to have and the guilt I felt having that drug - down

the news that it would seem my cancer had spread to my lungs - down

the renewed feeling of needing to be here for Noah, Tait and Scouse - up

Ally's funeral and watching the man I love carry a coffin the size of a shoe box into Church - floor, core of the earth, Australia, then space

the start of a new year and watching everyone else move on around you - down

the treatment appearing to work - up

the news I could have a mastectomy - up 

a bucket list to compete with my kids - up

two prestigious award nominations for my blog - up (last day to vote here: WillyWeeHole) 

an increasing feeling that I will see Ally again one day - up

the immense kindness of strangers and the absolute love for my friends and family who have given me so much that I can't put into words how it makes me feel - up 

and today my last chemotherapy - up

What a fucking 9 months I've had. 

Today, Thursday's 26th May, I have my last chemotherapy. It's my last chemotherapy for now and hopefully forever. It's a milestone. One last time of crapping our everything I eat and yet not loosing weight. One last time of everything I eat tasting like soil and metal, one last time of having days where I feel I've been sat on by a bear. One last time. 

On Tuesday the 5th July I am having my boobs bambozzled. Their days are numbered or at least one of their days are numbered. 

How do I feel about this? Quite frankly I couldn't give a shit. Bye bye boobs!!! 

So I'm just about to head up to be hooked up to 'Calvin the Chemo Machine' and I might do one of those 'last chemo pictures' for you but can I just point out that no fucker has made me a poster!!!! So if anyone wants to make one for me feel free to post on the Facebook page and I'll tweet it. 

I'm also going to try and write another post today with a slightly more uplifting tone so you're not all crying into your morning coffee. Actually it's now afternoon because I was typing two posts at the same time and I'm sending them both to you today. So hopefully it's evening beer you're drinking. 

Thanks for sticking with me X 

Reality Tits and Tumour Humour (the intro)

What is it like to have Cancer? 

We see all these adverts on the telly with people running across fields like warriors, 'kicking cancers ass',  rolling in the mud and screaming in rages. People sitting in chairs having chemo and how sad it is. Testimonials from all sorts of patients and their families about how Cancer has come along and 'opened-bowel' all over their lives. 

These days these adverts are actually showing us real people. Bravo. This is how it should be. 

In reality though, these adverts are what we Cancer-Land dwellers like to call 'pink and fluffy'. They are real and they are very sad and they are emotional BUT they don't go the whole hog. They are more like half hog. 

FYI Cancer-Land....like DisneyLand.....only more deaths. 

Have you noticed that our social acceptance of childbirth 'labour-offs' has blossomed 10 fold in the last few years. 

Once upon a time Arthur would stay downstairs while Dylis delivered the baby on an Eiderdown upstairs and once the child arrived and the scene from Kill Bill had been removed from the bedroom, tales would suggest that a stalk glided gently by and placed the bundle of joy lightly on the window ledge. Arthur would smoke a cigar and give his wife a firm handshake.

No mention would ever be given that Dylis shat herself inside out, was begging anyone that would listen to shoot her in the head and not only would she spend the next 4 weeks breaking into a cold sweat every time she needed a dump, she also had a fanny like a broken coconut. 

Nowadays we are more than happy to overshare..... we tune into One Born Every Minute and watch baby Addidas crown away, while a river of blood, shit and amniotic fluid runs passed his head. We are good with this. Afterall, it's beautiful. It's so natural. It's so positive.

50% Of the population are women....women give birth. It's something that so many of us have in common. Is this why we feel we can openly share these things in groups and on social media?

Mum: welcome to the world Troy. 10lb2oz and just gas and air. #windtunnel

Friend: sounds painful. What was it like?

Mum: like shitting a watermelon ☹ #fanhole (when your fancy rips into your bum and you end up with one hole - you heard it here first)

 I read somewhere recently that due to our lifestyle choices, 50% of the population will develop cancer at some point in their lives. 

So why don't we see more stuff on Facebook about the reality of Cancer? Pictures of operation scars, hair loss, weird piss, wonky finger nails with #choppeduptits sitting proudly next to it?

I wonder if maybe it's too sad, too shocking,  too negative? 

Maybe no one is ready to see it. 

I can't decide if this bothers me. It's been niggling at me a bit since I was on a social media group recently that  supported women with breast cancer but it stated that no mastectomy scars could be shown even via links on the page for fear of upsetting someone. Now I completely respect this as 'new joiners' may shit themselves when they see 'Frankenboobs' for the first time but it really highlighted to me that there must be so many of us that actually have no clue what lumpectomies and mastectomies look like. I didn't until I got Cancer. In fact I'd never thought about what hair loss really looked like, or all the other side effects of chemo, radiotherapy and surgery. And what do the emotional side effects look like? What is it really like to have Cancer?

You could well be reading this thinking why the hell do I need to see pictures of this? Well, you don't. You have free will. It's up to you.

Seeing pictures of the reality of cancer won't stop you getting cancer. 

But the reality is Cancer is very much a reality.

 Maybe by seeing things you'll get checked earlier, keep that appointment, investigate that rash!!! 

Maybe it won't do shit all for you, maybe it'll do everything for you. Who knows....what have you go to Lose? 

I'm going to show you some real women who are currently living amongst you now. They are your sisters, friends, neighbours, that bitch from down the road, your teacher, the woman who does your accounts. 

Let me tell you before you run for the hills that it's not all doom and gloom. These women will show you that through all the heart ache and pain (emotional and physical) there is also room for some laughs. This is because Humans are tougher then they appear and Cancer doesn't define you if you don't let it. 

So I said 'send me some pictures that tell me what chemo side effects are really like'

Readers.....I give you (and please click the next bit) ...... the reality of Cancer  (did you click?) 

Welcome to Cancer-Land.....I am Mickey Fucking Mouse 

Reality Tits and Tumour Humour (the pictures)

So here it is....a collection of real women, living the real life of cancer and they've been brave enough to let you see everything......

I am Vicki Coventry. I am real.

I'll get the hubby to take one tonight! Lol so much for a page 3 career 😂😂😊

I am Christina Bray. I am real.

Motherhood with chemo

Chemo like a boss.

I am Laura Gough. I am real. 

Lumpectomy and node clearance (lumpectomy failed to get all cancer so bilateral mx pics coming)

Bald patches and total hair loss (no minge pics though!!)

Admitted to hospital neutropenic just hours later 🙁

Bi-lateral Mastectomy with pathetically tiny implants. Nipple removal.

Last one! Fake titties, no nippies! 😂😂 xxxx

I am Zoe Fidler. I am real.

I am Fiona Carr. I am real. 

Found the green foobies!!

I am Miranda Ashitey. I am real. 

As nosebleeds are an annoying side effect of chemo, you can take the mature approach or the immature approach. Guess which one I settled on…?

Having Zoladex injections cos my breast cancer is ER+ - not the massive prick I wanted to be poked with

Cat nurse. Looking back at this pic makes me realize how ill I really was. I didn't really let that sink in at the time. It's like looking at a different person, almost an outer body experience.

I am Michelle Johnson. I am real. 

My radio burns

Baldy and wiggy x

I am Melanie Johnston. I am real.

Melanie: Rats. I could have shown you my tuna encrusted portacath site but the dog ate it.

Heidi: I was a little sick in my mouth then!!! Awesome!!!!!!!!!! Xxx

Melanie: Heidi he didn't really eat it........I did.

I did actaully drop some uneaten tuna on my site, looked in the mirror about half an hour later. Freaked out thinking I had some grim growth. Nope. Just a blob of tuna in chilli sauce.

Portacath sans tuna.

I am Daniele Atkinson. I am real. 

Here's my baldy ones. I didn't take pics of anything else horrendous as didn't really want to remember it, but looking at these posts I feel bloody lucky.  I barely had rads burns despite being really fair skinned and my scar is really tidy (sorry!) X

I am Nicola Jane Halsall. I am real.

Nicola: I've got pics of blue & red wee. Blue boob from sentinel node biopsy & picc line in situ if they're any good to you?

Victoria: Blue and red wee??

Nicola: Red wee from chemo & blue wee from the sentinel node biopsy 😀

Victoria: Nice!!

Nicola: The joys of BC 😂

Heidi: Yes please!!!!!!!!!!! Send me the wee!!!!!!!!!! Xxxxx

 Homer hair drawn by my daughter

The cocktail of anti nausea drugs

Picc line in situ

Blue boob from sentinel node biopsy

I am Rachel Ferry. I am real. 

Radiotherapy armpit x

I am Sammy Browning. I am real. 

Baldy MaGee

Fiona Carr - I actually thought the caption was baldy minge!!!!!! Was a little worried about scrolling down to the pic..... Lol

Sammy: Hahahahaha imagine! I know we're all very open but that's a step too far!!

I am Michelle Webb. I am real. 

Balding with coldcap

Chemo burns after my 1st Tax (chemo can escape cannulas and land on skin...this is what it does)

DIEP wound 6 days later

My left side DIEP wound

Road to recovery!

I am Marie Heyes. I am real. 

Hair falling out

Pink wee (

epirubicin)

Sammy browning:  Ah takes me back!

Marie: I know, fabulous times!

Sammy:( I had the dye injection too another time so had a full spectrum of wee colours...funnnn!

My dog ear has a nose full of seroma X

Christ, we've been through it and are still undergoing such huge trauma to our bodies. We are amazingly brave and strong and sometimes we cry and feel overwhelmed but we keep going. Always. Love to you all xxox

I was all gung-ho and healthy when I started on chemo. So I made these date and carob balls for healthy snacks. They tasted like poo rolled in coconut. I ordered a plate of hot toast & marmalade instead.

I am Kim Smith. I am real.

Heidi Loughlin: First wig fitting? I remember that moment. So fucking sad. Xx

Kim smith: Yes first wig fitting ! Most of my pictures show me laughing or messing about but my friend took this when I didn't know ....think my face says it all we all know it has to be done but the reality is like a freight train regardless of how we try to keep it bottled up and pretend it's ok

As I live in France my friends here and in the uk had a collection before chemo and they wrote me a lovely card and bought me a Jaccuzzi mat for the bath ....I think the photo hit me hard because with this card I felt for the first time the realisation of the cancer and forthcoming treatment and I realized I was truly loved and the impact it was having on my loved ones ....

I am Rachel Ferry. I am real. 

My back op

The scar on my back where cancer was cut from - 2 Tumours in a place "where cancer never goes to"

The Bruce Willis stage

Last Ever chemo / THE SECOND TIME! I've had 6 more since then and god knows how many more are still to come 😁

I am Denise Taylor. I am real.

Fuck knows why I look so happy. 😂😂😂

Marie Keyes  - I love this, maybe the cold froze your smile but you look like a hot lady jockey xx

I am Ella Mason. I am real. 

Biopsy bruise

Failing DIEP flap

I am Alison Flouri. I am real. 

10 days post mastectomy with adm/temporary expander recon

Catheter bag, glam

More cannulas

Drains

New family pets - drain worms

Losing hair

Bleeding arm post picc line insertion

Fourth drain!!

Keyes: Raspberry J2O x

Alison: lol X 

Failed cold capping 😢

Hair...clippered off

Double mastectomy scars, tissue expanders

Adio 'good' boob

A typical days medication

I am Caroline Issac. I am real. 

Hair which came out on 26th October. Note use of rubber duck for scale.

I am Alison Danes. I am real

I am Cimberlee Milam. I am real.  

No nipple! 😟

I am Annemarie Cotton. I am real. 

Yucky paclitaxel (chemo) nails on the mend

I am Theresa Scollan Cowie. I am real. 

Someone said I looked like Frankenstein when they saw this, others said, oh at least yr getting a tummy tuck... no, this was done to reconstruct my new Foob....12her surgery, 5hrs drive from my home, 3 hrs in recovery then in high dependency...alas four days later I was back to theatre as it had failed and had it removed in another four hour surgery and replaced with an implant x

Allowed out of hospital after suffering sepsis n unable to have my last chemo, for my daughter's 10th birthday...friends pulled together to sort her party for me <3 x

Why paint a boiled egg at Easter when you can paint mum's bald bonce!!

I am Sam McBride. I am real. 

I am Charlotte Short. I am real.

I'm a bit late to the party but here's mine... Scare is the result of 4 operations and above is my sexy port.... (a port is a little tap under the skin you attach your chemo too)

I am Hayley Purnell. I am real. 

Hate mine , double mx with recon permanent expanders , still bruised after nearly 6 months . Shouldn't be so ungrateful I know but finding this hard to get used to x

From this

To this when told I needed chemo

Fun for son

So hard not to cry , but needed it to be fun for my son who has autism

I am Victoria Allan. I am real.

When your hubby has to shave your head for you

Cancer face and very sore eyes.

A few hours post surgery (Mx and immediate DIEP recon)

DIEP tummy wound/scar plus new belly button (much prefer the old one!)

Losing a toe nail!

Swollen tax feet.

My normal feet for comparison.

Swollen tax tongue

very sore tax eyes

I am Jennifer Morrison. I am real. 

Mx on right side with immediate recon and delayed recon ld flap x

I am Joanne Hunt. I am real. 

The day my hair grew back....and i could put a clip in it

I am Clare Percival Ducker. I Am real.  

Fun playing pin the nip on the tit

When people stare at your fluffy head whilst your shopping so you might as well give them something to stare at

Glow stick boobs

I am Kim Feast. I am real. 

Those cold caps were attractive weren't they Jen!

Last chemo!

I am Lisa Judge. I am real. 

Hospitalised because I had infections through pic line ended up rocking the golem look ha ha

I am Sarah Perry. I am real.

Me and Penny at chemo at Christies. This was my first round of 24 Kadcyla chemo. Penny came to hold my hand. Penny died a week or so after this.

Real breast cancer isn't pink and fluffy and not everyone gets better. Penny was my friend who also happened to get cancer. Indiscriminate fucking disease killed her not me. Whenever anyone tells me how BC doesn't kill I show them penny's smiling face and pictures of her two little boys.

I am Lorraine Sleator. I am real. 

That was the night of when I'd had my mx and reconstruction done ( that morning) and I was in Saint Thomas hospital.... Think I put that pic up on Ybcn to say all done and I'm ok.

I am Julie Strelley-Jones. I am real.

Brain blasting souvenir

I am Helen Weller. I Am real.

Surgery get up (hat because it was the first day of snow 2015)

eUGHHH.....losing nails...forgot this one!

 The damage.......

to stop my housemates stealing my milk..

I am Leonie Cox. I Am real.

A chance portrait someone drew of me at a Cancer support group. I had sickness and diarrhoea and she made me feel beautiful when all I felt was exhaustion and baldness.. She found something else and made me feel stronger

I was so embarrassed of showing my bald head in front of people in surgery I made the nurse get me a blue hat head cover the medical staff wear!

Bloated and Ill from chemo me refusing to miss my son playing penalties at Northampton Town Football Club with his club...  Harder than it looks!

Actually trying to look sexy in surgery stockings! 😮

It sounds silly but I have so much more time with my children now... Quality time, full of love and appreciation for life... I have this illness to thank for that.

My superhero brother who as part of his training for ironman cycles 50 a mile  round trip to see me and is raising money for charities that that have helped me. He gives me strength and says I give him strength.

These last 3 are my most poignant..

Running- this was the morning after dx when u really don't know what to do... I got up in desperation and ran Parkrun.. I had hardly eaten/ slept for a week waiting for my results. All the way round I shouted at myself "if you can't do this, you have no chance of fighting cancer" I was terrified I wouldn't get round.

Hilltop pic - the weekend before chemotherapy started. I climbed to the top of Thorpe Cloud and felt this was the first time I really felt alive with the reality of what was to come. I felt like I was saying goodbye to my old world and stepping into the unknown.

Hospital pic - this was day 1 chemo reality...

It was the day of my 40th birthday!! I tried to see it as a positive symbol and refused to be miserable. The balloon kept it light hearted and they do say 'life begins at 40'.

I am Sian Lisney. I am real.

Hi Heidi, no probs. To put it in a nut shell... I found a lump after my usual check I do every few weeks and was referred by the GP, I was diagnosed at age 30 with grade 2 invasive breast cancer. My wedding was planned abroad and has now been postponed by 8 months as chemo will take 5 months. I then have surgery and then radio following that. I was growing my hair for my wedding and it was at its best when it started falling out, but being a hairdresser, I know full well my hair will grow back and look lovely again. I was prepared for it to fall out and was happy to shave it once it started coming out thick and fast. I do miss my hair but really quite like it shaved. Husband to be shaved his too, which was great having his support. I didn't cry, myself and fiancé laughed the whole time and I'll start a fresh when my hair starts growing back. In my eyes, the hair loss is the least of my problems. From experience with clients... It normally grows back thicker and better than before! 

I am Tracy Hendry. I am real. 

Hi Heidi...this was me embracing the head shave. Although I accepted I would lose my hair, I knew my family would find this hard more so my mum. She came along with me. It soon turned to hilarity when the mohickan appeared I looked like my brothers twin xx

My daughters baby bump....something that's seeing me through the chemo xx

I am Sarah Kennett. I am real.

Mouth Ulcers.

Sentinel node biopsy 

Hair falling out. 

I got the cat during chemo, she used to lie on my chest like that when I got back from the hospital. She doesn't do it anymore. I think animals know!

I've found a chemo one, makes me want to throw up!

I am Heidi Loughlin. I am real.

 Just call me Race Track Head. 

This is the reality of my kitchen.

This is me holding my daughter Ally the night before she died. I knew she was dying, I held her for hours. 

My family are all having tattoos of Ally's butterfly. This is my auntie Nadia's

This is the worst picture of me I have ever seen. Chemo puff, steroid cheeks and hair like the Wheetos man.....Noah couldn't give a shit what I look like. He says I'm beautiful.