Thursday, 26 May 2016

The Guffalo

For my boys Noah and Tait for when they are older. And for Scouse.....don't you just love reading the same story over and over again until, in your warped adult mind, it can become something quite different......

Oh and if you would please come back at the end if you enjoyed it and vote for me to win best writer at the MAD Blog awards I'd be so greatful xx Vote here

The Guffalo

                                      A girl took a stroll through Chemo Wood
                                  Before all this bullshit she looked rather good

                                                                   She said to her hair

                                  "That's terribly kind of you Hair but.... oh

                                              "A Guaffalo, what's a Guaffalo?"

                                             "A Guffalo why didn't you know?"

                                                  "Where are you sitting now?"
         "Here by these drugs with my favourite cocktail from the Pharmacy thugs" 

                                                "Pharmacy thugs? I'm off" Hair said.
                                               "Goodbye Guffalo" and away Hair sped.

                                                   "Silly old Hair, doesn't he know?
                                   There's much tougher things when you have chemo"

                                       On went the Guffalo through the deep dark wood
                                    Some Tits saw the Guffalo, and she didn't  look good

                                       "What are you doing here you fat stinking hog?
                                         I heard you've got ass-wee? Go sit on the bog!"

                                           "A Guffalo, what's a Guffalo?"
                                         "A Guffalo why didn't you know?"

                                                   Her thrush is a killer,
                                                   her skin just a fright 
                               and the steroids keep her up all bloody night
                                                    "Why are you sitting here?"
           "The drugs are my boss and the 5th of July sees my tits get ripped off!" 

                                             "Tits get ripped off? It's time I hid!
                                             Goodbye Guffalo and away Tits slid"

    "Silly old Tits, don't they know? There's much tougher things then ops and chemo"

                                On went the Guffalo through the deep dark wood
                                A bum-hole saw the Guffalo, she didn't look good 

                                    "That's precisely it bumhole, I can't trust my hole 
                                       and this dam constipations like birthing a foal"

                                               "Birthing a foal? Not part of my plan!
                                               Goodbye Guffalo" and off bumhole ran

"Silly old bumhole, doesn't he know, there's much tougher things then bum probs and chemoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                    But who is this creature with the worlds biggest pile 
                                           and less teeth then a panel on Jeremy Kyle?                         
Her face is so puffy, her eyebrows did drop and her mouth is much dryer then            Ghandi's flip flop
Her farts are so powerful you don't whaft, you whack it and if you look closely she's spewed down her jacket...."

                                             Oh help! Oh no! It's a Guffalo!!!!!

                                         "Rank said the Guffalo. I'm just rank
                                  I've shit myself so much there's nowt in the tank.
                                        Just walk behind me and soon you'll see
                                                      Everyone is afraid of me.
                                       And now my bowels are starting to rumble 
                                    I shouldnt have eaten that dam apple crumble"

                                          No hair, no tits, her skin just a fright
                               And the roids made her figure a lads mag delight
                                    And she did all this bullshit with no moan or fuss
                                    Because you know what? She is dam fabulous 

   All was quiet in the deep dark wood
Guffalo farted.........and the fart was good. 


  1. Seriously this is brilliant. An timeless classic story turned into something it should never have to be turned into. Your strength and humor is infectious and you have so much love from people you have never met. X

  2. OMG this is freaking awesome!!!!

  3. I nearly pissed myself laughing at that. It's funny because it's all true!!
    Nicola H

  4. I nearly pissed myself laughing at that. It's funny because it's all true!!
    Nicola H

  5. Absolutely fabulous...I'd forgotten all the shitty side effects (chemo brain has some advantages!). You are such an inspiration to all going through crappy treatment and those, like me, putting two fingers up at side effects of on going treatment. I look forward to all you write. Xx. Big hugs to everyone coping with whatever form/stage of cancer.

  6. Please please Julia Donaldson allow this to be published!!!! You, lady are totally damn awesome... And gorgeous to boot. Still laughing... Kids are looking at me funny... Think that's tonight's bedtime story sorted!😉

  7. You are amazing, brilliant and I salute you lady. xxx

  8. Just amazing. Very funny. And oh so true x

  9. This is brilliant, makes me want to give you a massive squeeze, but not too hard in case it made you poop yourself ;) (husband has same issue) xx

  10. This is excellent. How you managed to create something funny out of this makes me think you must be a pretty brilliant woman. Hope all your ongoing treatment is successful and the side effects ease some! xx

  11. Brilliant, yes, you are fabulous. FYI - i think you're still as beautiful as when i first met you on team 8 years ago. Not that any of that really matters but just thought id remind you, you're a stunner. X

  12. As Montgomery Burns would say with steepled fingers... Excellent!

    Sending you love, hugs and kisses. Words cannot express how proud I am to know you. You are beacon of awesomeness x

  13. Ps. I'd still give ya one 😉 cos you're still gorgeous and I'm not just saying that xxxx

  14. Ah what beautiful poetic's a pure gift ya have, a pure gift but with such a gift comes great responsibility. You are gonna have to keep yer fan base happy and keep the words pressure now!!!!

  15. And this damn constipations like birthing a foal - I can honestly say I've been there after being on ondansetron for a week and I couldn't stop laughing! You are brilliant at finding humour in sadness and light in the darkness, much love ❤️

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  17. Dear Heidi

    Today I saw your story on television.
    Fiets my condolence for the lost of your little wonder.
    I did always wanted to have children. But a few years ago I was diagnoses with Ehlers Danlos syndrome. A rare genetic progressive illness. So, children are not longer an option, because of so many reasons causes by my illness. Now there are moment that I cry because of the child that never will be born. The child I'll never have
    I hope you can enjoy your life with your 2 beautiful boys!
    You are a very strong woman and very inspiring!
    Lot of wishes from Belgium