Sunday, 9 September 2018

Saying Goodbye


When I was first diagnosed 3 years ago on September 11th 2015, all I heard in the ‘Bad News Room’ was “Inflammatory Breast Cancer, not sure the extent of spread, 2-5 years prognosis.” As I sat there at 13 weeks pregnant, with a boy that had just turned 1 the day before and a 2 year old at home, all I could think about was how my children would grow up without their mum. If I was one of the ‘lucky’ ones and reached 5 years with IBC, the kids would be 5,6 and 7 when I died. I’d see all three start primary school, watch them swim without armbands and most likely (growing up in our house), see them nurture a love of toilet humour. In a worse case scenario they’d be 2,3 and 4. There would be one school start in which I’d die a week later, a free floating turd in the local pool and a severe underappreciation of farting.
I would be missing many important milestones in the lives of my children, whatever the outcome.
Then we had the full results of my Cancer ‘shituation.’ The spread was into my lymph nodes and lungs, then later a further spread into my blood. So, we were realistically looking at pool turds only. It was shit. But what was I most scared of?
The lack of control played a large part in my fear but the front runner was the act of saying goodbye. I could visualise those final few days when no one knew precisely when I’d die. Every time someone said goodbye to me, we would think it could be the final time. However, adults understand what’s happening. How do you say goodbye to a small child that has zero concept of the gravity of those words. What if I said goodbye to the three kids and then they had a tantrum in my hospital room because they were bored and wanted to go home and watch Peppa Pig? The last sight I would see of the kids was them wrestling to get away from me.
It ate me up.
What if they blamed me for leaving? What if they thought I’d abandoned them?  How would they feel when they called out for me in the night and I never came?
This is what is so profoundly difficult about being a mum with stage 4 Cancer. It is a life limiting disease. There is no cure. I will be on chemo or similar for the rest of my life. Fact. And at some point, I will have to say goodbye. A real goodbye. One that is final. Its dreadful. Unfair. Absolutely fucking shit. But then again, I’ve done it already. In a twist on life’s rollercoaster of unfathomable wankyness, I had to say goodbye to my daughter, Ally. I watched as she left us at just 8 days old. The most surreal moment of my life.

This coming Tuesday is 3 years since my diagnosis, 3 and a half years since Cancer arrived and I’m not dead yet. In fact in some ways, I’ve never been more alive.


Oh and on Friday, my 3 year old Tait had his first official swimming lesson and he was brilliant. Not a pool turd in sight. That was last year.....


26 comments:

julesybaby said...

I'm so sorry yo have to even think about these awful moments. Sending love and best wishes x

Kitty Meijer said...

I never understood why you chose to ignore all the cancer signs, I mean, looking at old pics of your tits CLEARLY all the signs were there. But no, you just chose to continue breastfeeding and planning your next pregnancy (they must have really loved you at work, three in three years, way to put more work on your co-workers) and generally only thinking of how awesome you were as a person. Then, when you already had two kids, you decided that they and your husband were less important than it was for you to be a martyr so you decided to fuck it all and DELAY cancer treatment, so you could have another baby. After that, you don't even give that baby a chance, but you force her to be born three months early and to top your bullshit even further, you complain that Ally was taken from you blablablabla. You never even gave that child a chance. Cancer had nothing to do with her death, your GODAWFUL CHOICES however, led diractly to her death. Thank god Ally got taken away from you, you selfish lying miserable excuse for a mother and a human being. Your choices concern only you, and everybody around you just has to deal with your shit. You made your cancer bed, now lie in it and die.

sarah perry said...

oh my God you are a truly vile "human" Kitty.... you are absolutely disgusting. How dare you actually attack Heidi with your cruel words. Get back under your rock you piece of shit.

Unknown said...

You disgusting, evil kretin, I hope you suffer a long and painful life of hurt and pain ... sick fuck, just know that your a troll of hell and you will get your karma

peanuts_mum said...

You are truly a despicable human being to say this! When the GP, the people who have undergone YEARS of medical training , kept telling her she had mastitis, why on earth world she *know* she had cancer?! You are obviously a heartless person that nobody could love so you needn't every worry about your diseased womb every being filled my love!

Charlotte Short said...

Wowsers Kitty are you for real. Any decent human knows how badly Heidi wanted the best for her baby. Heidi has used her heartbreak the best way she knows how..to educate and support...shame you can't support.
Heidi the rest of us love you x

Unknown said...

I am speechless at the vile hatred in this reply.
Heidi, rest assured this is one sick and sad fucker, and her existence is her punishment, as who would want to live in that fucked up head.

Hayley Purnell said...

Kitty your clearly lacking in knowledge about so many things and clearly do not have the capacity to understand so I won’t even try to lecture you because your just not worth the trouble . What I will say is this I hope to god you never have to go through an ounce of what Heidi has had to endure because let me tell you not even you are safe from cancer or death of any kind because you clearly couldnt and certainly not with the dignity threat she has . I suggest that maybe you should learn when to keep your mouth shut and your opinion to yourself because you could get yourself into a lot of bother if you don’t hide behind faceless images .

Scouse Titcup said...

Dear Kitty,

Thanks for the feedback. It’s always great to hear from those people who are avidly following our story, even those of you who are hateful trolls.

Now despite you being a regular reader you seem to have got some basic facts wrong.

Firstly you suggest we chose to ignore all the cancer signs. It was quite the opposite, we kept going to different GPs to get second opinions because we could see the signs but it’s difficult to get a hospital to give you an MRI scan , let alone treatment, if your Dr doesn’t diagnose you as having cancer.

Then you question Heidi’s popularity at work because she dared to have more than one child. We were fortunate that Heidi’s bosses and colleagues were progressive enough to realise that people like to have families and not take the Chinese approach of frowning upon anything other than one child. As Heidi wasn’t a bile, spewing, monstrosity like yourself she was pretty popular at work and most of her friends from work keep in touch and visit regularly – do people even talk to you in work? Ha, only kidding, of course you don’t work.

Anyway your next point is that Heidi ignored myself and the boys in some desperate need to be a martyr. Well to be clear, all of the decisions that were made we made together. Now in your mind (I use that term loosely) that just simply spreads your judgement and disgust to the both of us but here’s the thing, have a look left and right.

You’re on your own aren’t you? At best you can hear your elderly mum and dad shuffling around downstairs but I guarantee that a person that has the time and motivation to post that comment to someone who has been through as much as Heidi must have a lot of empty, lonely, time on their hands. I’m sure you’ll post a response about how blissfully happy your life is but we know it isn’t true don’t we. Heidi and I have tackled everything together and then we’ve had the added support of numerous family and friends and that really boils your piss doesn’t it!

Scouse Titcup said...

So your next inaccuracy is that we forced Ally to be born early. Actually, we took medical advice from several experts and we agonised over the decision. And here’s the thing, if we replayed that situation 100 times and knowing the same information that we had then then we’d make the same decision each and every time. Right or wrong in the long term, it was the right decision there and then but it didn’t work out for us. What I learnt from it all is that I’d never judge someone in a similar position however they chose to deal with any aspect of it, you genuinely don’t know what you’d do until you’re there. I know your thing is judgement and you do it to get a response, a rise, a little tingle down below because someone is responding to you but honestly it’s not healthy for you.

Your post seems centred on our life choices but your post actually shines a big light on your life choices.

Clearly you’re a troll, sat in your dank little room, greasy matted hair, asthmatic wheezing, mum and dad downstairs because you can’t leave home as you’re incapable of proper social interaction. As you read this you’re glugging from your mega sized Poundland energy drink and wiping the Jaffa cake crumbs from around your maw, as your heaving chest gasps for air and you suck from your inhaler and then feverishly jabbing at the keyboard with your pudgy trotters. All your nasty little comments do is remind me of how lucky we are, I mean, shit, I could be Kitty Meijer or whomever you are and fuck me however many bad times we’ve had we’re not you. Look around you, the half eaten packets of monster munch, the large tube of twiglets your fat hands can’t get into and the polystyrene takeaway boxes strewn around your floor. I bet you still have some of your childhood toys in your room, there’s an air fix kit probably still hanging from the ceiling and I’m guessing you’ve got old Star Trek episodes playing on a dvd player in the background right now as you reach for your various medications to keep your diabetes in check before you vomit out your response.

Heidi has a fortitude and strength of character that your post shows not only that you lack but you’re simply incapable of.

If you do pen a response please don’t think the delay in my reply is for any other reason than I’m at the pub and spending time with family and friends but I’ll toast you with the first pint, “life can be tough but thank fuck I’m not Kitty. That would be really shit”.

Best wishes,

Scouse

Unknown said...

I applaud you Scouse πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘ I thought I could not be shocked at the depravity of these horrible trolls but I was saddened to read her disturbing rant but you put her in her place good man xx

amanda said...

I don't know you but if i did and you weren't already married, I would so marry you Scouse Titup! Is that weird? :)

Anna said...

Listen Kitty or whatever your real name is go and please Fuck yourself!!!! Your brain is a size of a cunt hair.

Unknown said...

Kitty Meijer what a sad excuse for a human being you are! How you can put your nasty thoughts in writing without feeling a twinge of doubt is truly epic! If anything like this ever happens to you I hope that people treat you with more compassion than you have shown. I think we must feel sorry for you as you obviously have no one who loves you

Hibby_D said...

Sad little shitty kitty

Kitty Meijer said...

Poor little lying Heidi,

You are wrong. I've got a lovely guy ( been with him for 17 years now) family, kids and cats. And you know what? I've maid choices that ensure I'm going to live. My mum had cancer by the way (breast), so has my dad (prostate) and THEY LIVED because they made the right choices. You killed Ally and deprived your boys of their mum. YOUR CHOICES brought you to this point. Fun fact: I reactie to your choices, you just make stuff up about me because you know I'm right.

Kitty Meijer said...

You can make stuff up about me all you want Scouse, it so badly written with such bad grammar. Greasy matted hair and my mum and dad downstairs? My dad gives private wildlifetours in South Africa πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and my mum gives sculpture lessons. They're always busy and so am I. People love to talk to me, especially at my volunteer work (yes, I also have a regular job and the 70 or so people who work there talk with me all the time) where I help reunite refugees with their families). My love and kids are great, as are my moggies. I actually don't live a selfish life, unlike Heidi. Fun fact Heidi: you planned everything only with regard to yourself. Your work, hubby, kids and family are all second. You made your horrible bad choices, now you die with them.

Kitty Meijer said...

And all of you FFS learn to spell.

Kitty Meijer said...

Fun fact Scouse, in your second "description" of me, you are actually describing Heidi, with the various medications and vomit. I think it's so funny that I reply to the choices your wife has made, all proeven right, and you just make up stuff that is so outdated. Really, I am watching STAR TREK? And what even is an "air fix kit", I have never heard of that one. I've never once set foot in a Poundland (whatever that is), nor do i know what Jaffa cake is or "pudgy trotter". It does show however, that i am right in my surmise. You can't handle the truth, which is that your wife could have avoided dying of cancer if she'd just been less selfish. Perhaps your second wife can teach you and your sons that.

Kitty Meijer said...

As for the reply, you're probably just too cowardly to publish mine, so drink on. Deprive your kids of your company to drown yourself in alcohol. Mature choices really abound in your household.

Melanie Normanton said...

Brilliant response Scouse Titcup! I cant imagine what is going through someones head to sit and wrote that down and send it! Kitty is a joke! Plain and simple! You and your family have enough to deal with without vile little trolls!

Unknown said...

Scouse - so well said.
‘Kitty’ - Karma will come for you, you dad excuse of a human being.
Heidi - I’m proud you are one of us #BBB love xx

Nicola Shields said...

Scouse tit cup....you are z breath of fresh air, and as Amanda said above, if you weren't already married ( and I wasn't) then I would want you to be my man. Heidi, keep doing what you're doing....you've made my mum, who was diagnosed a few years ago with breast cancer, laugh on more occasions than I can remember, and laughter, as you know is so important when you're dealing with the shitty wanky cunt that is cancer. So to you Scouse, and you Heidi, I salute you both. Love to you both and the kids x

Helena Noodles77 Boyce said...

Not looking so pretty, little Shitty Bitter Kitty!

You're repulsive evils have earned you not even a place in Hell! Satan himself would be ashamed to be associated with the likes of you.

Firstly I thought:
"How the fuck do you live with yourself after wishing such foul nastiness on people you don't even know?"

Then it because obvious, you don't exactly 'Live' because you don't have a 'LIFE' do you 'Kunty'. Its more of a weird sort of fucked up dark hole of twisted existence.

So, then I wondered:

"How the HECK does this 'Piss-Flappery-Fucktard' manage to sleep at night with all this demonic activity flowing through her tiny, evil brain?"

Then, like a revelation, it hit me:
"WAIT! I DONT REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK!"
I mean you probably dont sleep at all...How could you? Lack of sleep makes most people a bit 'grumpy', but YOU KittyLitter take it to a whole new level...

As the Roald Dahl wrote:
'If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.'

"Oh Joy!" for you're poor idiot of a Husband. That poor twat has to wake up next to you everyday looking like a bag of sweaty dicks!

Kitty. No wait I'll just call you Kunty from now on, to save confusion.

Kunty, Your rancid comments are a hollow waste of time when thrown at a woman who has already suffered the toughest shit of 'shit times' and might I add, has come through GLOWING.

Your comments have propelled her strength and shown Heidi for the powerhouse of positivity that she truly is.

Your true colours, correction... You're blurry monochrome darkness has shown through too.

You should print off your comments and show them to all those lovely people you work with at your make-believe workplace. I wonder if they would still want to talk to you if you revealed yourself at the author? That was rhetoric! Of course they wouldn't!

Unless that place of work is some weird religious cult of trolling CUNTS who each have a fake name rhyming with shitty!?

So listen up Kunty! Take those sour, dried up old lemon lips of yours and pucker up BITCH!

And prepare to kiss Heidis Rosie, Regal, peachy little ASS...
No need to bend down, you're already beneath her.

Xx

Anonymous said...

Really????

Says you! Who spelt MADE ..... MAID!!!

It’s all very well sitting behind a computer trolling someone but remember that big brother is watching you!!!!

I hope for your sake you never have to experience what Heidi and Scouse have had to go through. Don’t drag their children into this. Life is tough enough in this world. Being mean for kicks gets you no where apart from a little bit of attention. You will only be known as a troll with some serious issues.

I feel sorry for you walking around with all this negativity running through your veins.
Turn it into something positive like ... jog on and enjoy your life away from the computer.

Karma will come back and find you!




Jennifer Morrison said...

Poor little Shitty Kitty. Funny how last year you said you had your 6th miscarriage but suddenly have kids and a lovely man? I’ll bet my actual first born you don’t have kids do you love? Who would sleep with you 6 times?! I for one am so pleased you don’t have kids to fill with your venom. Oh it’s allllll gone quiet. Nothing like being found out eh Shitty Kitty? ��������