Wednesday, 2 December 2015

It ain't working.....let's move on.

No gents. As hot as I look right now, I'm sorry to break it to you that I am not referring to my relationship. I feel bad as I can see your little faces dropping with disappointment as you have now opened the post having read the title. Now my ear hair has fallen out, I can actually hear your hearts sinking. I'm so sorry. Now please compose yourself so I can explain why we are here. 

After hair loss, Weemo and Golum impersonation, I am pissed right off to tell you that my chemo isn't working!!! All those trips the chemo day unit full of Chemo-Nan's, Pirates of the Caribbean head scarf catwalks and a parade of every wig from Priscilla queen of the desert; was a waste of time. I did get free sweets and some 'me' time away from the kids but bollocks!!!! I could have been sky-diving with Tom Hardy on my back or knitting or eating crisps and if that's not bad enough, lady C is no longer in the jungle! What a fucking week I've had!!!!

This wasn't meant to be the post i was going to write. I was going to tell you about friendship and taking an emergency poo in a car park but that will have to wait as there is an urgency to why I'm writing this.
 It's all change people, all change. It's not the end of the line but there are engineering works here and we need to change trains and pretty fucking quickly. 
See, I'm clearly off my game this week as I've just used a train analogy? Uh what? Fist yourself!

See I'm pretty mad right now. And every other emotion you can think of. I'm not mad at any person. I am mad with Voldertit. It's not that I liked him before but now I want to gouge out his eyes and eat them like lollly pops. 

I had a follow up Onlocolgy appointment last week with my lovely Oncologist  (see I told you I think you're great Dr P so please don't slip Cyanide into my next treatment) and we have concluded that's AC isn't working to a satisfactory level. Now ordinarily we would now switch treatments immediately and thus I'd be having the next stuff on Friday 4th December along with a miracle drug called Herceptin. 
However, me being me, I don't like to make things easy for people and we have this little matter of baby Chocolate Mousse. 
Babies and Herceptin don't mix. 
It's like when you offer a Vegan-non-dairy human a pork scratching. You know they really need it but if they did take it their soul would explode. See, I've done it again. That was a really crap analogy. This news has thrown me all off.

So, the shit-uation. Chocolate mousse will be 27 weeks gestation tomorrow and the plan is to evacuate the Death Star next Friday. That puts Chocolate mousse at 28 weeks and 1 day. 
Why is the 1 day important? Because in premature baby terms every day counts. 
This means CM will be 12 weeks early. This my friends is absolutely terrifying. 
Also what is terrifying is that if I stay pregnant until New Year's Eve as originally planned then there's a pretty good chance I've missed my window of potential cure. 
So what the hell do you do in this boat? Personally I want to row for shore and hide under a palm tree, burn my bald head and read my kindle while this all blows over. Realistically I've got to make a decision that encompasses everyone. I absolutely need to be here for my children and to keep Scouse from continuing to wear socks that have been worn down so much they resemble flip flops. 
I need to continue to give chocolate mousse the best chance I can. The baby was kept for a reason and that reason hasn't changed. Our baby is worth the risk.

But I'm scared to my core about a baby born so early. I am also scared that I may not get through this. Mostly I'm scared of doing the wrong thing and I kick myself every day that I can't pull a crystal ball out of my ass. 

I'm making by far the hardest decision of my life and it would appear Chocolate Mousse will be here first thing on Friday 11th December. 

So it would seem that there is no 'I' in team but there's defiantly a 'U' in Cunt, Voldertit. 
  
In the mean time we are rushing to sort Christmas, preparing for Pojee's birthday and remaining steadfastly hooked to watching celebrities chopping on Kangaroo cock.

I'm sorry I've not been very funny this week but I do hope you'll give me a break and come back again.

I've got cancer.............get me out of here!

56 comments:

  1. Heidi, I am so gutted for you and so scared with you. You still continue to talk fighting talk, what an amazing person you are. You have so many almost impossible decisions to make but I know the ones you make will be right. I will think of you and cm everyday and you are certainly in my heart. I send you all the positive vibes I possess. All the luck in the world for you both. Love and hugs x x x nicky

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  2. Will you be having babber at st mikes or saaafmead? Both NICU/SCBU areas are amazing. They will do everything to keep CM well whilst you are poisoned to within an inch of your life.... I mean chemo-ed. Good luck Heidi. Whatever happens, I hope the battle is worth it x

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  3. I have just read this. I do not know you. I know of you from Primary school and of course this blog. I'm sure you hear this a lot, BUT, one can never hear how fabulous they are surely ;-)

    I literally am dumbfounded at strong and courageous you are. I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and have older children. I literally cannot even comprehend the decisions you are having to make. You are a testament to women, mothers, cancer sufferers, humanity!! I will pray for you and your family. I hope that whatever the outcome it is the best for all of you.
    You've made me cry into my tea cup. It's a pregnancy cry, so it's more like a howl, for this I hate you, but you said the word cunt so it's instantly forgiven lol. Anyway, I'm rambling. You are courageous and so brave. Your family are so lucky to have you in their lives. What an incredible example you are setting to your children and all of us. Sending love and luck, Danielle. X

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  4. I wish I had something really funny or wise to say, or even a huge corker of a cliche (I know how much you love them...) but I haven't. I just wanted to say, I read your amazing blog (during 2am feeds usually), cry with you regularly and think you're awesome. Just thought you should know there are lots of us out here willing you on with every fibre of our don't know how else to help beings x

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    1. Good day every one i want to inform the general public how i was cured of Herpes Virus Patient for good Five years i was loosing hope on myself my Boyfriend ran away from me because of my situation one day i was online and i met a recommend on how Dr abaka help her to cure herpes,so i still continue search i saw a testimony of someone again who has been healed from "HIV AND HEPATITIS B" by this Man Dr abaka and she also gave the email address of this man and advise we should contact him for any sickness that he would be of help, so i email Dr abaka telling him about my HERPES Virus he told me not to worry that i was going to be cured...oh i never believed it,well after all the procedures and remedy given to me by this man 2 weeks later i started experiencing changes all over me as Dr abaka assured me that i have cured,after some time i went to my doctor to confirmed if i have be finally healed behold it was TRUE,that is why i want you to join me thank Dr abaka for saving my life if you need help please contact him via email;drabakaspelltemple@gmail.com or his cell number +2349063230051, his web/site http://drabakaspelltemple.blogspot.com.

      Delete
    2. THE MIGHIEST SPELL CASTER DR OGUDU REUNITE WITH YOUR LOVER AGAIN AND BE HAPPY WITH HIS 48 HOURS LOVE AND LOTTERY SPELL WHATSAPP +2348106058254

      !My name is CONON DEBRA...My ex-husband and I had always managed to stay friendly after our divorce. But I always wanted to get back together with him, All it took was an email to Dr Ogudu [oguduspelltemple@yahoo.com] the spell caster because my dream was to start a new life with my husband, and live happily with him.. This spell caster requested for a specific love spell for me and my husband, and i accepted it. And this powerful spell caster began to work his love spell. And 48 hours after this spell caster worked for me,my husband called me back for us to be together again, and he was remorseful for all his wrong deeds.The spell worked perfectly and my husband is now back to me again with more love and intimacy, Went to court and withdraw our divorce papers immedately, This is nothing short of a miracle. Thank you Dr.Ogudu for your powerful spells. Words are not enough to appreciate you sir. Contact him via his email OGUDUSPELLTEMPLE@YAHOO.COM OR HIM +2348106058254 WEB-----http://oguduspelltemple.wixsite.com/drogudu


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  5. Just said a prayer for you and your family and little Chocolate Mousse. Like all good stalkers I don't know you (see how far Vodertit is widening your horizons of new experiences - he's really putting in the effort), but I felt moved by your raw and personal writing to comment here. I think your three babies are very lucky to have you as their mum. Keep going. And know that you are supported by lots and lots and lots of stalkers (who knew that could be a great thing). You shall continue to be in my thoughts and prayers - and I shall heavily focus on the fortune to be made following your recovery (I see you opening a Beauty Parlour and making a killing on the "hairless ear" wax. I feel sure that's going to be a thing). Stay sweary and kick ass. Jasmine (friend of J. Gill) xxxxxxx

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  6. Wow you are a beautiful writer, you just have a way with words. Emily Brontë eat your heart out.lol! The hard reality of life is a bitch and sometimes sweet words don't cut it eh. I don't know you but you seem like my kinda person ;) Cursing is just so appropriate sometimes, its like the perfect vessel for expressing ones emotions especially when those emotions are roller coaster shit scary or ball of rage angry emotions! I can see you fit both these scenarios so it's great, you have like this free licence to curse to your hears content! Go you! .p.s. Apparently there is a gyne somewhere in the big ould world called Dr. Felicity Fingers. Thought you might appreciate that one!

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  7. You are amazing, I will be thinking of you and chocolate mouse next week x

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  8. Difficult to know what to say. We have never met but my niece Sigrid has been sharing your posts. I had hoped so much that this chemo would work. Shit bugger damn fuck balls that it hasn't. One thing I can say for certain is that your three kids have got an amazing mother. I do hope that you will publish your account one day - then all the world's whingers (me among them) can get a glimpse of how to fight with anger, dignity, humour and grace. Every best wish for the days ahead xxxx


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  9. Hi, I've just read your post via a friends share on Facebook. I cannot begin to imagine what you have to deal with each day and to know what to do for the best. I do think that maybe I was meant to see your post as recently I've been introduced to 'The Truth About Cancer' series that has been showing online. I have watched all episodes and there is some amazing advice that doctors just don't seem to offer up. They also have a Facebook page to check out, please do?!
    All the best x

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  10. Hi Heidi - I was sent here by your lovely sis in law. Can I just say, I've even though we've never met- you are my fucking hero. Such passionate fighting words can only come from one of the best ones who needs to stick around!! I have 3 kids too - ones about to turn 1. I can't imagine the fear of thinking I might have to leave them too soon. And the Man whose fashion legacy is ultimately doomed without you �� I'm going to come back and check to see how you and CM are doing once she's out and I'm sure, fighting as hard as her rockstar Mum!!! Time to kick Big C's arse, lady! All the best!!!!!!! Natalie.

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  11. Hey Heidi, I love reading your posts, you really are an inspiration (we have met - I am good friends with Lucie). I don't usually post, but I feel the need to after this one.. and it is simple... If chocolate mousse is anything like as much of a strong, courageous fighter as his/her mummy then they stand the strongest chance of survival, and mousse has your genes - so if anyone is going to make it is them, but after that fight - they are going to need their mummy, so both of you are going to face the biggest of storms, but you will make it together - all our prayers are with you both - stay strong my love xx

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  12. Read this after a like or share by a friend. What a shituation :( fight fight fight.. As if you have any option :( xxx

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    1. What can I say? Tell you it will all be OK? I have no fucking idea...what I do know is that fighting is the only option you have. And you are doing it... well. Keep Voldertit and her friend up and we will all keep everything crossed for you and CM. x

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  13. I happened across your blog, not even sure how. You are an inspiration to so many that is Obvious. Your decision is a heartbreaking one but I fully support the decision you are making, to give you all the best chance of life. Take care

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  14. Heidi
    You cannot do the wrong thing ..... You cannot do the wrong this ...... Keep trying everything you can ..... Keep fighting ...... Remember to never eat kangaroo cock - that is the wrong thing. Keep writing .... Love and hugs to you and your family xx

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  15. Things are bad if you are watching i'm a celebrity and liking Lady C ;-) So want to add a few platitudes but don't want to incur your wrath....trust your instinct you can't make a wrong decision and please can you blog about the emergency poo as I am now intrigued...xxxx

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  16. Apparently I'm the unknown person above

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  17. I had my baby at 29 weeks for no apparent reason ( having had 2 previous babies early also for no reason). He is now 13 years old, smart, funny and taller than me. He spent 11 weeks in intensive care then kicked the oxygen, cpap and other breathing treatment and came home. Have your lovely baby and save yourself xx

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  18. I'm sure you have been pointed in their direction before, but if not then check out http://www.mummysstar.org/ They are a fab charity who support people who have cancer and are pregnant.

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  19. I thought we were going through a shitty time until I read your post (which I shared on FB hope that's ok) got to say in an odd way your post made me smile the words you choose made me chuckle. Yet as I got to the end I felt inspired by you. I sincerely hope that all goes well with the birth of your bundle of joy and that the treatment works. They say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Wharra load of old bollocks... Your amazing, stay strong x

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  21. The courage you show is exemplary , you are an inspiration. I want all to be well , prayers !

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  22. The courage you show is exemplary , you are an inspiration. I want all to be well , prayers !

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  23. Wishing a fellow employee living with breast cancer all the love in the world. I got my diagnosis one year ago this week and its been a whirlwind, and its gone very fast indeed; one minute I was sick and bald, now I'm full of vigor and with a mental head of short but curly (?it wasn't before?) hair. You will be overwhelmed with support, you'll be buoyed up by your family and friends and the time will whizz by; especially with three little ones - oh my do I take off my supporting bra to you and chuck it in the air. What a woman. Hang on in there, you are not alone xxx

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  24. Heidi I've been praying for you ever since Emma J told me about your diagnosis and I'm going into an extra great as you and your baby prepare for the delivery. Noah's Ark and all of us at St Nics have you in our thoughts and prayers. Emma

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  25. Heidi I've been praying for you ever since Emma J told me about your diagnosis and I'm going into an extra great as you and your baby prepare for the delivery. Noah's Ark and all of us at St Nics have you in our thoughts and prayers. Emma

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  26. Hi Heidi, I have recently lost my wife to cancer after a 7 year battle, and in many ways I'm glad you two didn't meet - she had a similar approach to the English language and the thought of two bald women swearing like soldiers is too much to cope with! I recognise so many of the things you write about, and to bring some homour to the situation will make you feel loads better as well as give you a way of communicating what it really feels like. I wish you all the best, and please continue to share with people x

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  27. I had my baby girl 15 weeks ago at 32 weeks pregnant she was 2 lb 14oz it was so scary but she's now home and doing fine over 7lb now.wishing you all the luck in the world for you, choc mouse and your family. Stay strong xx

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  28. Heidi I was induced at 28 weeks and have birth to a 2.2 lb boy. We lived at the at the hospital for 3 months, it is a roller coaster ride and there were many ups and downs but I was there to just put my hand on his head and talk to him through an incubator everyday. I was prepared for the worst from all the Drs. I can tell you he is now 16 years old and amazing!! They can make it this early! Everything will be fine hang in there.

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  29. I don't have any connection to a circumstance like yours, but having heard you on the radio and read this blog, I feel strangely inspired and certainly touched. I think you should get some kind of book deal - if you could bottle this feeling, people would buy it - and I really hope you do. I don't pray, but I'm sincerely wishing you and yours all the best and I will think of you tomorrow (if I remember, fickle world).

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  30. Heidi...I'm so sorry that you are going through this...cancer sucks...hang in there...I will pray for you and your precious babe...❤️

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  31. I heard you on the radio this morning and felt touched by your story and just want to wish you all the best for tomorrow. I am full of admiration at how you are still getting on with life, looking after your kids and how together you sounded. I have 3 young boys and sometimes find it tough but you put me to shame. You are amazing x

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  32. Heard you on the radio this morning too, and your blog has made me laugh out loud at my desk today!
    Wishing chocolate mousse all the best. Positive vibes always help.
    Will be eager your next entry to hear updates.

    Best wishes
    Rebecca

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  33. I had my baby girl at 28 weeks and she is amazing. She lights up my life and I am sure your little girl will too. They are MUCH stronger than they look!

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  34. Your strength is insperational.
    When your walking thru hell, keep walking

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  35. Our thoughts are with you and your loved ones during this sad time of loss. Today Australia is waking up to this news, and I am sure I speak for everyone here when i say how brave you are for the sacrifice you have made and chance you gave your daughter at a healthy life.

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  38. hello everyone,
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  49. I want to testify about how Dr Emua helped me when i had herpes virus. It was all over my body causing constant pounding and messing I can't sleep at night because of the symptoms. This was hell on earth. I have tried everything to get off the virus but nothing comes out I saw so many testimonies on how Dr Emua the herbal medicine man help in curing so many people from herpes virus. So i contact him for help and told him my herpes problem. He assure me that i will be okay, he brought some herbal medicine for me and told me how to use them, and i used them for two weeks after i using them i discover i was not feeling the pains anymore, so i decided to go for a test to see if am okay, Luckily for me, i was tested herpes negative, now I believe all these Testimonies about him on the internet about dr emua, he is truly a great man, I am now free from herpes all thanks goes to Dr. Emua for what he did in my life...If you are out there and you have herpes problem or any other disease you have to seek for help through this man because he is going to help you cure your herpes or any other sickness. here is the email of this great herbal healer {dremuahelphome@gmail.com or dremuahelphome@outlook.com call him or add him on whats-app +234706362817)

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    -FORDYCE SPOT
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    -LOWER RESPIRATORY INFECTION
    -LOW SPERM COUNT
    -MRSA(METHICILLIN-RESISTANT STAPHYLOCOCCUS AUREUS
    -ZIKA VIRUS
    -COPD
    -STROKE
    -IMPOTENCE
    -PILE
    -HYPERTENSION
    -LOW SPERM COUNT
    -MENOPAUSE DISEASE
    -ASTHMA
    -CANCER
    -BARENESS/INFERTILITY
    -PCOS
    -SHINGLES
    -VIRAL HEPATITIS/HEPATITIS B
    -FIBROID
    -ASTHMA
    -SICKLE CELL
    -TINNITUS
    -BARENESS/INFERTILITY
    -DIARRHEA and so on...

    Contact him today and you will have a testimony..
    GOD IS TRULY GREAT..Click on the link of the Doctor that cure me of my GENITAL HERPES;https://doctorsambolablog.wordpress.com

    Call/Text me via; +1(614)230-0384

    Good luck.

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  52. I am here to express my profound warm gratitude to the Natural Herbal Medicine, which i got from Dr Hazim,after 3 days of communication he sent some herbal medicines to me. I am now leaving a healthy life since the past 5 months after the completion of my Genital and Oral Herpes treatment with the Dr Hazim Natural Healing Medicine, i am now completely Herpes Free, after the application and usage of Dr Hazim Medicine. Currently the only cure for Herpes, Cancer,Diabetes and every other Human diseases is Dr Hazim Herbal Medicine. As i am A living witness of this great miracle, you can save more patient from pharmaceutical scandals by sharing or contacting this great Natural healer for the Medication
    via email; (usmandrhazim@gmail.com) also call him or Whatsapp on +2348154641673, Let Stop Herpes with Dr Hazim Herbal Medicine. Let`s save life by sharing this on all social network as God will bless you as you share this information that will give every Herpes patient’s a hope for a new Life. Thanks for your Time..

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