The Irony of Butterflies

We've not known each other very long but did I ever tell you that I'm scared of butterflies? When I say scared I mean I can't be in the same room as one. I've never enjoyed their company and have tried numerous times over the years to engage with them - butterfly houses, fields and gardens, the tattoos plastered over the nation, but no. They still scare me. 

Why?

A butterfly is beautiful. It is delicate and unique. Emerging from a much less beautiful position from its chrysalis or cocoon (however sciencey you are) into a new world. The smaller they are the shorter their lifespan and the butterflies we see in everyday life in our gardens, usually live for around a week.

But I think it's their wings that scare me. Flapping so rapidly with such determination. I remember when I was around 8 years old my aunty having a panic attack trying to guide one out of a window as it furiously beat its wings to remain in the house. This butterfly did not want to go outside into the fresh air. My aunty was screaming with fear and I watched on in disbelief as someone in their late 30s went into melt down over an extremely beautiful creature the size of an old 50p coin. I genuinely could not get my head around what was unfolding in front of me, and I still can't, but I'm sure from this event comes my fear. Their wings beat so extremely quickly and it's almost unfathomable  how something so small can have so much power and also cause such immeasurable feelings. 

Did you also know that butterflies are different from moths in their search for light? Before humankind and artificial lights, they both used the natural lights in our sky to navigate. Most interestingly they navigated at night using the light of the moon. If they flew towards the moon then they'd always go in the right direction, or something similar. Nowadays moths are attracted to lampshades and ceiling roses but have you noticed that butterflies aren't? They still seek the natural lights. Time has not changed them. They refuse to conform. So much power.

I don't really know what I'm talking about, or maybe I do, but quite frankly I don't give a shit. I can't judge myself, that is unfair. Now breathe, pause, shut your eyes and then reopen. 

I've avoided butterflies in my life, actively in all ways possible. Not too dissimilar to my avoidance of pink. But since the darkest time of my life began last week, I have received 3 butterflies. One in the form of a blanket, one in the form of a bracelet and one in the form of words....

"A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam....and for a brief moment it's glory and beauty belong to our world....but then it flies on again, and although we wish it could have stayed, we are so thankful to have seen it at all." Author unknown. 

This is all I can say right now. I know you want more and you want to find some peace in what I'm saying to you. I know you want that. I know. 

The only other thing I can say is that your words to us are so gratefully received. They do more than you know. So I thank you for that. Funnily enough I'm all about words and words is all I have right now. Words is all I can do.

Do you know what? People are amazing. They amaze me. I'm amazed. 

And to the next butterfly I meet...you no longer scare me. In fact I can't wait to see you.