Wednesday 23 December 2015

The Irony of Butterflies

We've not known each other very long but did I ever tell you that I'm scared of butterflies? When I say scared I mean I can't be in the same room as one. I've never enjoyed their company and have tried numerous times over the years to engage with them - butterfly houses, fields and gardens, the tattoos plastered over the nation, but no. They still scare me. 


A butterfly is beautiful. It is delicate and unique. Emerging from a much less beautiful position from its chrysalis or cocoon (however sciencey you are) into a new world. The smaller they are the shorter their lifespan and the butterflies we see in everyday life in our gardens, usually live for around a week.

But I think it's their wings that scare me. Flapping so rapidly with such determination. I remember when I was around 8 years old my aunty having a panic attack trying to guide one out of a window as it furiously beat its wings to remain in the house. This butterfly did not want to go outside into the fresh air. My aunty was screaming with fear and I watched on in disbelief as someone in their late 30s went into melt down over an extremely beautiful creature the size of an old 50p coin. I genuinely could not get my head around what was unfolding in front of me, and I still can't, but I'm sure from this event comes my fear. Their wings beat so extremely quickly and it's almost unfathomable  how something so small can have so much power and also cause such immeasurable feelings. 

Did you also know that butterflies are different from moths in their search for light? Before humankind and artificial lights, they both used the natural lights in our sky to navigate. Most interestingly they navigated at night using the light of the moon. If they flew towards the moon then they'd always go in the right direction, or something similar. Nowadays moths are attracted to lampshades and ceiling roses but have you noticed that butterflies aren't? They still seek the natural lights. Time has not changed them. They refuse to conform. So much power.

I don't really know what I'm talking about, or maybe I do, but quite frankly I don't give a shit. I can't judge myself, that is unfair. Now breathe, pause, shut your eyes and then reopen. 

I've avoided butterflies in my life, actively in all ways possible. Not too dissimilar to my avoidance of pink. But since the darkest time of my life began last week, I have received 3 butterflies. One in the form of a blanket, one in the form of a bracelet and one in the form of words....

"A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam....and for a brief moment it's glory and beauty belong to our world....but then it flies on again, and although we wish it could have stayed, we are so thankful to have seen it at all." Author unknown. 

This is all I can say right now. I know you want more and you want to find some peace in what I'm saying to you. I know you want that. I know. 

The only other thing I can say is that your words to us are so gratefully received. They do more than you know. So I thank you for that. Funnily enough I'm all about words and words is all I have right now. Words is all I can do.

Do you know what? People are amazing. They amaze me. I'm amazed. 

And to the next butterfly I no longer scare me. In fact I can't wait to see you. 

Sunday 20 December 2015

Our beautiful girl

Yesterday afternoon our hearts broke in two. 
For we had to say goodby to you.
Our love for you is a beautiful haze
Even though you lived for 8 short days 

We kissed you, we cuddled you, we tickled your feet,
And I know again one day we'll meet
Today brought a rainbow, the lightest of hue
And I wondered if it was sent from you?

Our beautiful daughter Ally Louise, 
I whisper your name and it drifts on the breeze,
The pain in my body and heart and my soul 
Feels it will consume me and leave me un-whole 

Your brothers will honour you in all that they do, 
We forever have 3 children, not just two,
I will try to heal for you, and my body unfurl
You'll be always beside me our beautiful girl. 

Tuesday 15 December 2015

Ally and Me

So here is our beautiful daughter Ally Louise Smith. She's doing so well and kicking arse. We've changed her little bum and I cuddled her for so long last night that I almost peed myself as I couldn't bare to put her back in her green house.
All the staff comment on how long she is, as we don't say tall when we are lying down, right. She is very long.
We've completed our family and feel so lucky to have little Ally join us. Xxx

Sorry photos aren't loading. Trying my best to rectify this xx

Friday 11 December 2015

The stork has landed

Keith and I are absolutely thrilled to announce the safe arrival of our daughter formally known as chocolate mousse.

She was born today via c section at 1237. She came out foot first and is breathing on her own. She weighs 2lb 5ozs. She has a Loughlin nose and she has more hair than me!!!

Will post photos soon but in the mean time please welcome Ally Louise Smith xxxxxx

Wednesday 2 December 2015

It ain't working.....let's move on.

No gents. As hot as I look right now, I'm sorry to break it to you that I am not referring to my relationship. I feel bad as I can see your little faces dropping with disappointment as you have now opened the post having read the title. Now my ear hair has fallen out, I can actually hear your hearts sinking. I'm so sorry. Now please compose yourself so I can explain why we are here. 

After hair loss, Weemo and Golum impersonation, I am pissed right off to tell you that my chemo isn't working!!! All those trips the chemo day unit full of Chemo-Nan's, Pirates of the Caribbean head scarf catwalks and a parade of every wig from Priscilla queen of the desert; was a waste of time. I did get free sweets and some 'me' time away from the kids but bollocks!!!! I could have been sky-diving with Tom Hardy on my back or knitting or eating crisps and if that's not bad enough, lady C is no longer in the jungle! What a fucking week I've had!!!!

This wasn't meant to be the post i was going to write. I was going to tell you about friendship and taking an emergency poo in a car park but that will have to wait as there is an urgency to why I'm writing this.
 It's all change people, all change. It's not the end of the line but there are engineering works here and we need to change trains and pretty fucking quickly. 
See, I'm clearly off my game this week as I've just used a train analogy? Uh what? Fist yourself!

See I'm pretty mad right now. And every other emotion you can think of. I'm not mad at any person. I am mad with Voldertit. It's not that I liked him before but now I want to gouge out his eyes and eat them like lollly pops. 

I had a follow up Onlocolgy appointment last week with my lovely Oncologist  (see I told you I think you're great Dr P so please don't slip Cyanide into my next treatment) and we have concluded that's AC isn't working to a satisfactory level. Now ordinarily we would now switch treatments immediately and thus I'd be having the next stuff on Friday 4th December along with a miracle drug called Herceptin. 
However, me being me, I don't like to make things easy for people and we have this little matter of baby Chocolate Mousse. 
Babies and Herceptin don't mix. 
It's like when you offer a Vegan-non-dairy human a pork scratching. You know they really need it but if they did take it their soul would explode. See, I've done it again. That was a really crap analogy. This news has thrown me all off.

So, the shit-uation. Chocolate mousse will be 27 weeks gestation tomorrow and the plan is to evacuate the Death Star next Friday. That puts Chocolate mousse at 28 weeks and 1 day. 
Why is the 1 day important? Because in premature baby terms every day counts. 
This means CM will be 12 weeks early. This my friends is absolutely terrifying. 
Also what is terrifying is that if I stay pregnant until New Year's Eve as originally planned then there's a pretty good chance I've missed my window of potential cure. 
So what the hell do you do in this boat? Personally I want to row for shore and hide under a palm tree, burn my bald head and read my kindle while this all blows over. Realistically I've got to make a decision that encompasses everyone. I absolutely need to be here for my children and to keep Scouse from continuing to wear socks that have been worn down so much they resemble flip flops. 
I need to continue to give chocolate mousse the best chance I can. The baby was kept for a reason and that reason hasn't changed. Our baby is worth the risk.

But I'm scared to my core about a baby born so early. I am also scared that I may not get through this. Mostly I'm scared of doing the wrong thing and I kick myself every day that I can't pull a crystal ball out of my ass. 

I'm making by far the hardest decision of my life and it would appear Chocolate Mousse will be here first thing on Friday 11th December. 

So it would seem that there is no 'I' in team but there's defiantly a 'U' in Cunt, Voldertit. 
In the mean time we are rushing to sort Christmas, preparing for Pojee's birthday and remaining steadfastly hooked to watching celebrities chopping on Kangaroo cock.

I'm sorry I've not been very funny this week but I do hope you'll give me a break and come back again.

I've got cancer.............get me out of here!